I surprised her she arrived at a lunch that she thought she was meeting someone else for -
We sat down at the table and she seemed like she was taken a back. She played off her nerves laughing and acting like she didn’t know what I was about to say or do.
I started by saying that I was there to answer all her questions. She replied nervously, “what questions - I don’t have any?”
First, I’m not mad at you and I love you.
Second, I’ve not called or texted because I wanted to get your attention. (Well, you got it). The past few years I stopped calling because I got tired of being told you were with someone else and you couldn’t talk - but would call me back. You never did. I have text messages between us where I would send something and you would read them and not respond.
She did apologize but then explained that after her last divorce she couldn’t remember much after. That she was going thru so many emotions that the only conversation she remembered was me telling her to sell her house and get rid of the bad memories. That’s why she sold it - and it was me that gave her the confidence to do it.
I accept the apology but I’m not 100% buying her story because she still maintained a relationship with my sisters. But, she did say that she’s thought a lot about the fact that for my first 15 years she tried to protect me from my stepdad and didn’t and she felt responsible for that. I told her that monster was going to do what he was going to do no matter who was in his way. She said she often thought what our lives would have been like if she’d left him earlier in the marriage before my sister’s were born - but then she wouldn’t have had them. I said - but you wouldn’t have missed them because you’d have never known them.
There’s no such thing as what might have been.
She said, but since I’ve been at my new place (which is actually the new stepdad’s place) you’ve never visited once. That’s because you never invited me. She sat there and then looked at me and said - you are right. I haven’t because I thought you probably wouldn’t come anyway. I said, well you could have let me make that decision instead of making it for me. I might have surprised you. She said, “so, you would come over if I invited you?” I said - of course.
I told her that I have learned so much about why I go silent, why I step into the shadows and camouflage myself so I can’t be seen. I said - how many times when I was kid did you send me to my room because you were in a novel and didn’t want to be bothered? As long as I was in my room out of your way I was the good kid. I felt like all this time since you’ve gotten remarried that as long as I was silent that’s how you wanted it. Then, she said - so I was a bad mother? I said absolutely not - you were carrying your own emotional baggage from your childhood and escaping reality was what kept you from losing your mind. You had me when you were almost 17 - and already divorced from the first guy and remarried to a narcissist that took you 32 years to convince yourself he was the problem. I think under the circumstances you did an exceptional job as a mom. I just learned how to escape reality the same way you did - by emotionally checking out on occasion. It just tends to rub the people around us the wrong way and we did it to each other this time. That’s on us both. I’m still here and I always will be.
In my mind, this was going one of two ways. She could have thrown it all back at me and thru the hurt she was feeling could have easily shut me down and shut me out. I was prepared to be okay with that. Understanding my own emotional trauma has helped me cope with my own issues. I’m happy living on the surface of my own emotions. I’ve learned that my feelings are just mine. My anxieties are mine. The trauma I experienced growing up - all mine. I have communicated with the ones closest to me why I get overwhelmed and how I can snap out of it. It’s strengthened those relationships.
One healing moment came when she said - what could I have done differently? I said - maybe instead of sending me to my room, you could have put down your adult novel and allowed me to sit in your lap and you could have read something to me. I probably would have been bored enough to give you back your reading time in 15 minutes.
Before we left the restaurant, when she stood up I hugged her tighter than I have hugged her in years. I’ve been told for whatever reason that a hug from me feels like healing....if you are in my inner circle and get one of those from me it’s because I give what I am wanting the most - connection.
I don’t know - maybe it’s true. I wouldn’t know because you can’t hug yourself - or at least I can’t.
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