*I’m back to my baseline. It isn’t louder, it is just clearer. *
I didn’t talk to any boys yesterday. I had no distractions. I was feeling what was there. There wasn’t anything new. I exhausted myself trying to resist the gym. My day doesn’t start until I hit the gym. So I found myself in mental limbo where I couldn’t start any tasks. The first thing I did when I woke up, thank god, was finally open my budget book and sort my shit out.
First-degree burnout is when my executive dysfunction puts my personal finances in my blind spot. A nervous breakdown always follows. I’m basically having one currently. I’m on the upswing, however. I have everything set to autopayments on my credit card for this exact emergency. My fail-safe, this is the first time I needed it. My bills didn’t pile up. Just my credit card that I at least empty every other week. I use my credit line for that one, which is ick. I was able to see how much I have been overspending. Just gotta dial it in.
I see my family doctor today. I’m nervous. In January, when I last saw him, he crushed me. You’re on a 20 year olds journey. Why did it take you 20 years to show up for yourself? I unfollowed my dreams. Rebelled against my goody two-shoe self. I’m like a dead man walking, a shadow of the man I used to be.
Astrologically speaking, the 7 years of existential hell for Taurus placements are ending. I have a Taurus rising. I mean, I just got out of a 16-year transit that was heavy for Capricorn last year. I’m a Capricorn. 2018 is exactly when it all started. I lost my job, hadn’t been able to get anything stable since. My current job, at this moment, is too good to be true. I want to reflect on the last seven years, actually. There was so much growth. Change is, of course, super destructive, so it was painful and sloppy as all hell. Maybe I can use astrology to gaslight myself into finally being able to take some action in my life. My intuition is currently telling me that I need to stop fighting my ADHD and lean into it. I mean, if I could turn the hyperfixation on at will, I could have the world at my feet. Pfft. I’m seeing my doctor to get ADHD meds today, so… I just want to try them just to try them. It’s just data collection at this point. I want to be open minded that it could help.
Blah. I’ll try on some toxic optimism while I’m at it. It’s not like things are that bad. I’m not at rock bottom. My problems are great problems to have. Maybe I could try some toxic positivity and struggle to relate to reality since I’m on a roll. The universe is making room for me, I just gotta think positive, and I will manifest good things… Ick.
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