I had the last 3 days off and worked this morning. This will probably be my last day shift since my Mom is going down to 3 days a week. I’m not a huge fan of my daughter being at her house because of my little brother being there but he’s probably going to get sentenced soon and hopefully going to do a stint in jail. He has freak outs and honestly, he’s just someone that needs to not live with his mother who’s in her 60’s. It’s unfortunate that my Mom has gotten stuck with him since August but I feel that she could’ve made a better effort to get him out in the past few months.
I’m usually pretty tired on my nights off at try to be in bed by 8:30. I honestly think I’m still just trying to catch up on sleep since life became super crazy back in February. My friend from where I lived before called me last night asking if I could send him some money but I seriously didn’t have it. Again, he’s another one that’s known what’s gone on with the financial abuse I went through and I’m still paying off old bills that someone created for me and every time I turn around, I’m dealing with another fuck over.
I had to switch car insurance because the company I was with was absolutely awful. I’ve been trying to change my address with them for months now and no one could figure out how to do it and I couldn’t do it online because I moved to another state. Then, they gave me a new quote that was $100 more than before and it was already high and that was the last straw so I had to switch. My first payment was high because I owed money thanks to insuring someone else’s vehicle from months ago. I paid it yesterday and I’m glad that I’m in good standing with them again. They have excellent customer service and it’s not at all an issue for me to put in a claim or for roadside assistance.
I just get tired of people constantly asking me for money. I have plenty of bills and plenty of debt. I’m starting completely over and I’m only able to work part time for now until I am able to get childcare established for Summer. I seriously don’t have any extra money. I understand that my friend is in a shit situation because he’s still living where I was and my solution was to leave. I was over it. I couldn’t continue to struggle and if I was still there, I wouldn’t even have car anymore.
Oh, I had a date on Monday night. The guy was super nice, attractive and we had great conversation. My problem? I realize that I’m not ready. My head is just a mess and I don’t even know if I’m capable of seeing a man in a romantic light ever again and I honestly can’t even fathom a man touching me in that way. If someone did, I’d probably throw up on him. Again, I made it clear to this guy that I’m not looking for anything serious and he was talking about future plans and it really bothered me. I am interested in finding friends and people I can hit up when I get off work on weekends to go bowling or something. I don’t plan to ever be in another committed relationship.
I heard from what’s his face yesterday. Apparently his bike had broken down and needs like a $3,000 part. It was also the same old crap about me leaving and blah blah blah. It’s laughable that he feels he’s the only one in this that should be upset. I was left in a serious bind with a small child and a huge mess of debt but all he does is say mean things and it’s old. I talked to him a couple of days ago where he was nice and it just gives me hope and then the next conversation is him being mean and blaming me for all his problems. Um, well if you were to get the fuck out of here and made better money, your bike repair wouldn’t seem like that big of a deal!
My outlook on money and bills has gotten a lot more optimistic since I have a real job now and don’t have to worry about my hours getting cut or not having a job at all. I’m still paying off bills that I acquired there but I’m getting in a better place financially all the time. I ain’t where I’d like to be but I’m closer now than I was ever going to be there. He says that I have a lot of regret. The only regret I have is ever moving there with him and staying as long as I did. I still have zero regret for leaving. I definitely have some guilty points because I left the dog and cat. The dog is his but the cat was mine but the night we left she wouldn’t get in the car. I left almost 3 months ago and I’m doing so much better in every aspect so no I don’t have regret.
I feel that he should be grateful that I stuck it out as long as I did despite how miserable I was and I struggled with my mental health every minute I was awake. I also dealt with more than I should have. I made a lot of mistakes because I truly believed that we were in it together and that we were a team but it was more me just going along with whatever he wanted. I will never do that again. I also should have never put utility bills in my name. I told him when I left that was going to be turning off the internet and electric so that he had time to get them switched over which he neglected to do because clearly he thought I was going to keep paying them and he was going to keep taking money out of my pocket and then was super shocked when he got home from work and that shit was turned off.
It was just crazy shit. I allowed way more than I should have because again, he said we would be there 6 months. I thought you know what 6 months out of my life won’t be that bad. Then just a while before I left, he moves the goal post and says, “we haven’t even been here a year yet” and it’s like okay I won’t even have a fucking car if I stay here another 6 months!! Are you fucking serious! No, unfortunately I can’t continue to suffer. I left while I still had a chance to pay for my car and make arrangements for my debt.
Healing is a really weird thing. When I first got here, I was in a bad place. Everyday I would cycle from anger to sadness to disbelief, to feeling anxious and then numb. Now, I’m pretty much okay most of the time and then another bill pops up and then I’m angry all over again. How the fuck could I let all of this happen to me and it affects my child as well! I can honestly say that I don’t believe that he meant to use me but I just think he didn’t care or he didn’t expect me to. I really don’t know.
He always told me that he was a provider and that’s all he ever known but once we got down there, he didn’t even try for a job for almost 3 months so I went to my friends house a couple of states over to work for a couple of weeks to keep us afloat. He said I ‘chose’ to use my credit cards. Okay well if he would have been working and had his money right I would have NEVER had to touch my credit cards! He just refuses to take any accountability at all. Even if he would ever apologized I would feel differently but he’s gone as far as saying, “I’m glad you have that debt” and it’s like yep and I’m glad I left your ass too!
I traded my happiness for someone else’s and now I’m single with a shit load of debt so I’m not in a hurry to get something started with anyone else. Even now, I wonder if he’s ever said anything nice about me to his friends or family. I really don’t think his parents gave a fuck how he treated me at all especially since they all blocked me right after I left him. I remember telling his step Mom some stuff and they knew shit wasn’t good but clearly they felt the right thing for me to do was stay and continue to have my daughter around the fighting. None of them have any fucking idea what went on behind closed doors and their attitude is beyond ignorant.
I can honestly say it’s going to take me a long time to really want to be in another relationship. My needs and desires for one has changed drastically. I don’t care to cook or clean for a man ever again unless that mf is paying all the bills. I also don’t want to be with someone who feels they need to drink every single night and can’t self regulate. I was so unbelievably sick of listening to him scream at me and once he started, he literally couldn’t stop. It would go on for hours. I’d beg him not to do it in front of my daughter and it’s like that fueled him. It didn’t help, it made it way worse.
Life definitely takes you for a ride and unfortunately none of us have a crystal ball. We don’t know how shit’s going to turn out until you’re living it. I would have never imagined moving there would end up tearing us apart but here we are. It’s a slap in my face that he’s still there.
I spent 3 hours on Monday getting his name off the title to my car. Unfortunately he’s still on the loan but at least I’m now the only owner. He had told me after I left that he wanted $5K for my car that I’ve paid for and he even text me the other day saying he was going to mail my key to someone here to have them take it. I have both sets of keys and I highly doubt he spent a small fortune to have a key made but if someone does take it, they are risking ending up in jail. I don’t play about my car. I have made every single payment, the insurance and every single repair. It’s mine. I can’t refinance without a co-signer because of my credit card and I have a friend that would co-sign but I refuse to potentially create a new problem to get rid of an old one. I told my best friend that unfortunately he’s going to have to deal with it until I trade it in or pay it off.
I’m not willing to refinance even with a co-signer because they tack on a lot of fees and it takes even longer to pay it off. I’m not going to put myself further in debt to please him. I did enough of that while I was with him and I don’t have to do it anymore. I didn’t hold a gun to his head or twist his arm for him to co-sign, he willingly chose to do that and he doesn’t care about his credit anyway so I’m going to leave it where it is and it’s too bad if he’s upset about it. If he wouldn’t have ran me into debt with my credit cards, I’d be able to get his name off but again, there’s no accountability for him at all.
I also could have removed his name from the trailer I paid for as well but I don’t believe in an eye for eye. I am pretty pissed at how all this unfolded and that is my trailer but I think about the fact that he lost way more in this deal then I did and he also uses it. I just don’t appreciate his threats with my car as that is my money source when I could absolutely sell my trailer out from under him when that’s a money source for him. It’s bullshit how his parents and him want to make sure how all this is fair to him with no regard to how unfair it’s been to me but at least now, he’s not getting another fucking dime from me! I am no longer feeding him, paying utilities that he uses, I’m no longer paying for his dogs food or treats or paying for his alcohol on the daily!
I learned a lot of hard lessons in this, it sucks that it happened at my age but ya live and learn. I’m happy that I can afford to buy my daughter a new outfit, shoes or take her to Taco Bell on any random day now. I can lay in bed and scroll on Tik Tok without getting screamed at. I like that instead of getting up at 5am to cook him breakfast and pack his lunch, I get up at 6 to take a shower. I’m also able to brush my teeth every single night now. I clean and my house stays that way longer than a day. I like that I am no longer giving him money for random shit or being made to feel bad if I mention wanting to do something outside the house kid-free.
It’s also awesome that I can walk into work smiling and enjoy my job. I’m never in a bad mood or feel hopeless anymore. I enjoy life again. I feel like I’m living, not just existing and trying to get through the day. I was in a really fucked up situation that I couldn’t keep living it. I wouldn’t wish that 6 months upon my worst enemy. I honestly thought my BD was the worst it was ever going to get and I was the most wrong I could ever been.
All I know is he’s never coming back here and even if by some off chance he decided to, I know that I ain’t ever living with him again and I probably won’t even care. I’ve gotten the chance to live again and I really like where my life is now. Even if he came back, it wouldn’t be for the right reasons. It would be comfort, ego, stability, and comfort. He acts like he was such a loss and it’s like no mf I was. I know what I bring to the table and it was way more than you did. I’m in a much better place mentally, physically, and financially.
My life isn’t perfect by any means and there’s areas that still need some tweaking but I’m working on everything. Things are getting better all the time.
When I was there he alternated between not wanting a relationship with me or anyone else to talking about how he comes home to an empty house. Well, yeah that should’ve been considered all the times you treated me the way you did and me leaving more than once. I’m not going to give up another place that I can afford by myself, load up what I can in the car to go back to what broke me. I guarantee I’d be there a month if that and would leave again. Coming back would be stupid and selfish. We both know I wouldn’t stay and then I would just have to start all over again.
It wasn’t easy to leave at all. I left someone I still loved and I still do but that wasn’t the place for me. I was becoming more miserable and closed off every day. I wasn’t happy at home at all. I was sleeping on the couch more and more and he’d go days without speaking to me. I don’t know where the fuck he was banking on me living that forever but I couldn’t do it. He’d treat me like absolute shit and then take my daughter out for ice cream so he was manipulating her. I will never forget what I endured and I will never allow it again. The next guy to disrespect me even once and I will walk away for good.
I still think about the good times and it’s not easy to grieve someone that’s still alive but is a completely different person now. I miss when we’d BBQ and go on dates and just how much I enjoyed him as a person. I miss what it was but not what it became. I wish we would have never gone there. I got my heart broke and I’m going to take my time to heal from that. I will always wish it was different. It shouldn’t have ever ended up like it did but he made the choice to mistreat me and move me to a place where there’s no fucking jobs and he still has intention on leaving there. It makes me sad that I want more for him than he wants for himself.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to how good it was the first year. I remember how excited I’d be when he’d call on his way home asking if I needed anything. He stopped doing that. I was lucky if he called at all. I think because our situation really sucked there that it took a huge toll on him and it ate away at him to the point that he wanted us to go because he couldn’t take care of us the way he wanted to. He likes to say how I got what I wanted but I think he did too. He couldn’t take care of us and he refused to move somewhere where that was possible. I was in a position where I knew it was time to go. There was nothing else I could do.
I listen to old songs that was popular when we first started out and all the memories come flooding back. He still has my heart. I have to just accept that we both made our choices and take every day as it comes. There’s so many things I want to say to him but none of it matters anymore.
Time to help little one find pajamas and get her in the shower.
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