A win is a win
Feels like everything is just getting in my way. No matter what it is, there is an obstacle I have to contend with. Endless friction. I don’t have the dopamine to regulate. I am trying so hard to calm down.
My hair has been shedding like crazy. I saw the specialist about it yesterday. I was fully prepared for bad news, but that’s not what I got. I don’t look at the images she takes, but she made me. My alopecia is getting so much better. Since January, when I last saw her, I bought a 2k appliance for my scalp, and I introduced meat back into my diet. It’s going in the right direction right now, so I am pleased that something is going right.
Other than that, I am still trying to dig myself out of my rut. Everything has been piling up, and I have been slowly sorting things out. However, I can still see that I have executive dysfunction. I don’t have the dopamine or adrenaline to tackle everything the way I want to. My finances, for starters. First-degree burnout is when my money lands in my blind spot and my spending gets out of control. I set everything to auto-payments for this exact reason. I’m okay because of my safety net. My diet has been pretty solid. Well, I am at least eating. Though I have been eating way too much take-out. I’ll bounce back.
I haven’t been to the gym since Saturday. I was going 5-days a week, but I had to rest my wrists. They’re still sore, but I am going to the gym after this entry. I gained almost 10lbs since I reintroduced meat. Half of that is just gaining back what I lost, but the extra 5lbs I am excited about. I’m 15lbs away from my goal weight. My body got to rest and recover and build properly, I suppose. I was putting body lotion on and got a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I was like damn!. I am starting to look shredded.
I’m developing a slight crush on Jaiden. I had him over on Monday. My sheets still smelled like him when I woke up. I was basically walking on cloud 9 that day. I think the cuddling gave me some oxytocin. We’re going to try to link up this weekend. I don’t know what I wanted when I started to scour Grindr a month ago. I’m just figuring it all out. But, I don’t think I want to have feelings for someone like this. I find myself falling into jealousy and things like that. It’s mild, at least.
I meet up with my bestie on Saturday. We have some tension that we need to reconcile. It hit me randomly on Monday, all the negative feelings I have about her that were repressed. I was driving home, fuming. I reached out to her ex-husband when I got home. He was my childhood best friend. Long story short, she did him dirty and then got to keep all their friends and be the victim. If I had known ten years ago what I know now, I wouldn’t have let him grow away so easily. We’re gonna fight, my bestie and I, when we see each other. Blah. I don’t care. I do know that I wanted to make male friends when I signed up for Grindr a month ago because of shit like this. Like, my roommate saw me peacefully watching a show, and so that meant I absolutely needed her to come talk my ear off while I’m trying to pay attention. Oy
Anyway, I decided to write before the gym because the gym was feeling too urgent. I do everything like it’s an emergency. I’m gonna try to calm down more.
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