I have been thinking about my estrangement from my brother a little bit lately. Our mother and bro share a birthday month, this month, in fact. That would explain the fleeting thoughts about him.
This morning, I am sufficiently elevated (blueberry muffin hybrid vape pen), before I take my weekly chemo dose. I was sitting about and contemplating things when the spectre of my brother breezed through for a second, and my first reaction was, “nope”. I have lost SO many people in my life through the years, be it death, or bullshit divides that separated us.
Here’s the thing, I have gained something through this that I find so incredibly valuable- PEACE. No more control grabs. No more drama. Just clear skies, cool breeze. At least compared to how it was before the reckoning. I think if I belabour this any further, his energy sneaks back in, so it’s best to keep my point short. Choose peace, always.
Last week’s chemo knocked me on my booty, day of dose, and day after. I spent a lot of time in bed. I am trying to force myself out of the bedroom more. I have taken up coloring in an adult coloring book, or loosely participating in crafting, writing down creative ideas, I even managed to start re-organizing and cleaning sections of rooms, as energy allows.
I do all of this while Youtube videos play in the background. I have favorite creators. My favorite content lately are vlogs by artsy folks, with calming background music. I find something so relaxing about passively getting things done while you watch someone else taking care of business, too. I believe it is called “body doubling” in neuro-divergent speak.
I get good ideas from the videos. It has encouraged me to get things more orderly, or to try a new craft. I have been inspired in a few areas of my life because of these videos. I sometimes cringe at the thought of overly entwined parasocial relationships with creators on social media. But then I remember I am really crappy at making friends in real life. So we do what we must on our journey to be a less sad panda with crushing pain, adhd, c-ptsd, trauma, chronic fatigue, blah, blah, BLAH.
After a few weeks of wild success in the reselling arena, things have definitely slowed down. We went from multiple sales a week, the highest being nine in a two day period, and now, we are looking at a couple of low priced sales a week. A sale is a sale, and I am grateful. I need to kick this into a higher gear, though. Today is not that day though. I have two sales to pack up, that HAVE TO go out today. That is the be all and end all of the amount of work I intend to do today.
Today is 4/20. It is our high holy day. I hope I don’t offend, but it is LEGAL in California. I choose to imbibe mostly for pain relief, as I have refused narcotics for years to treat my pain. It is the only thing that consistently helps lower my pain levels. And with today being chemo day anyway, I am deserving of a little relaxation day.
Rick can handle dinner tonight. I have been cooking a lot lately, even when I am not feeling ok. Last night, I threw together my version of Tuna Helper. Typically, if I was making a tuna/noodle/veggies situation, a simple but trusted shortcut would be to use a can of whatever “cream of” soup I had in my pantry. Easy peasy. Guess what I didn’t have in my pantry? Know what I DID have? A fat, flour, milk, and three packets of seasoning from chicken ramen packs. Yup, I made broke girl cream of chicken soup.
I used the last of my pre-prepped, chopped veggies, half a bag of elbow macaroni, 1 cup of frozen green peas, my cream of chicken concoction, and water. I let it bubble away until the macaroni was tender. I kept the seasonings simple- tons of fresh cracked black pepper, and Umami seasoning by Mushroom & Co from Trader Joe’s.
It was all comfort. It is a bowl of not giving a crap about calories. It is SO GOOD.
I just told Rick I would really like chicken nachos for dinner tonight. I have a can of nacho cheese, shredded cheese, some chicken in the freezer we can throw in the Instant Pot with taco seasoning. All he needs to grab is a bag of tortilla chips, and any other garnish he wants like olives, guacamole, salsa. A fun dinner for 4/20.
I am starting to feel the chemo woozies. I have about an hour to get anything meaningful done before I will be either in bed, or super reclined on the couch.
I wish you all a wonderful week, however that looks for you.
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