T and I got into it a bit over me talking with people about the things we are dealing with. Says people judge him for my one sided views. So I said I wont talk about his stuff much or in detail. I do touch base on a FEW things because like I told him, I need to be able to vent things out and I need to be able to write down things that happen...
I did talk with my therapist about it a lot today.
She said im a stronger person then most. Most people cant do what I do, im changeable, adaptable and most people. ARENT strong. Im stronger then him. My quietness, my submission, my backing off is a choice. A gift I give few people. Because I dont need to be that way. Its not natural to be that way. Im a dominant person who leads. She said its the enforcer persona. Im stronger then most, including my husband ( and shes done couples sessions with us so she has met him lol) She also saw me step back and let him lead, let him choose. Because its a choice and not many people have that, or give that. Shes like I hate the angry black woman persona people assign to me. because im black, im a woman, im loud, i talk with my hands, Im quote unquote aggressive. But its not. Its the persona you CHOOSE to give me because that is what you interpret it as. But that is my personality. MY personality is changeable, quite, Chosen particularly depending on who im with. I will be seen as difficult, obstinate, or a pushover depending on what you SEE. She told me what I allow people to see. The fact that I can give them what they WANt to see, that is a gift. That isnt something people get to choose most of the time.
I guess so? I mean I do flex and blend into crowds. I do become the person the people around me need me to be. We need a leader right now, thats me. I do like to just sit back after work and not think, not be in control. At work, Im in control of a multimillion dollar company, with a lot of employees and maintaining the best mental health practice in our city. Im good. And im tired. I choose to not at home. But when I need to, i have no problem stepping up.
T is struggling. hes not being all he can because its too much. Hes processing and dealing with some stressful shit. And i just... yep ok. Someone needs to lead. Someone needs to be in charge. Its my turn and I got this.
She told me im under a lot of pressure, Yeah but im ok too.
She said sometimes i gotta take one for the team ( when hes in a fuck and cant) Ill do my best. I have a tempter...
Its not that i dont want to be strong or in charge. Its that I run out of batteries. I have so much charge in me. Before I give out too. And I can take a lot...
Im still struggling with panic attacks and the self harm that comes with it. I have scars up my one arm and the cuts are healing on the other, If you missed that, during a panic attack I dig my nails in till Im bleeding to try to ground myself. Because I dont have anything that grounds me. And my therapist is aware. So is my boss ( also a therapist lol) And my work bestie ( wtf all three are social worker therapists lol) But its a thing and im working on it. Its been over a month before this last attack since I did it, so not bad... And it only escalated this year so im hoping if we can manage the panic attacks ill be fine long term. I get them during escalated fights. Its my body hitting the top level of stress I can deal with and then giving out. I understand all the hows and whys. I just cant stop from getting to that level. I never knew there WAS a level before lol.
Just so happens, I have a limit too...
Im dealing with this migraine shit. Im on my second month of emgality. and its better then last month where I had 20 days of migraine. Im having intermittent ones this time so I can break them. So like two days ago I had one, yesterday I was fine, Today its flaring back up. I fought with insurance for 3 weeks and they agreed to let me take nurtec too. 8 pills a month... 1600 dollars per month. what... the fuck... my shots are 800. Thank god for insurance. if T looses his job like we think he might, well medicaid yay! Ill loose my therapist again.... But ill be ok I think. My meds will be covered at least. No more copays. In the meantime we are just existing.
He is currently on FMLA and Pd short term disability for his heart while doing testing and med runs and possibly surgery to correct. But there is some retaliation and falsifying docs and he wont ever feel good at his job again. So that is a thing. Right now we live comfortable and sometimes slightly tight, but not REALLY tight. That job is 1/3rd our income.
My therapist offered to write out the docs to get me on paid leave too. I declined. Its not that i dont want a break, but staying home will only stress me out because i need to work. It keeps me grounded and is a good distraction....
It would be worse for my mental health to be home all the time.
Anyway. Im doing ok, Tired. Working on my smutty book blanket ( crocheting a blanket square for the cover of every book and most are smutty books) and buying rare plants in my free time lmao.
Normal shit.
Oh and its snowing.... Because why the fuck not!
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