So I’ve been alone today and yesterday. In my head is never the place I want to be. Today now, I’ve been worrying about my childcare since school is out in about a month and I rely on my Mom. Well she sent me her schedule for the next 3 weeks and there’s going to be times where I only get to work like 2 days. I’m freaking out. I have applied for childcare assistance but I’m worried how that will work since my last paycheck was short and I didn’t get 20 hours since I took a week off to go get our shit.
I have my kid on several waiting lists and now that I’ve applied for assistance, I just pray something pops up and I can get her in somewhere, This has been an ongoing problem for almost 9 years and it’s going to be an incredible thing once she’s able to stay home by herself, even for a couple of hours.
So today, I talked to my ex. He decided to call me a bitch like 6 times and then hang up on me. He called back and I didn’t answer so he text me like 6 times saying I need to refinance my car or he’s going to send someone with a key to take it. I stupidly put him on as a co-signer back when and he’s absolutely tortured me over it. I have made every single payment for the past 15 months and I pay for the insurance and repairs. I can’t take him off the loan but I do have my title and I can at least remove his name from that. Unfortunately I don’t have anyone to co-sign and he’s just going to have to trust that I pay it down to trade or pay it off.
After that conversation, I was on the phone with my friend where I happen to look and see that he had text me. I didn’t bother to respond but I have since blocked him and blocked his Facebook as well. It’s clearly not a good thing for us to really speak to each other and I am beyond sick and tired of being threatened. I just changed my passwords on netflix and hulu so he won’t be using my shit that I pay for either. I’m done being decent while I still take abuse. I will not have any more contact with him and I really do hope he has someone come take my car because his name won’t even be on it anymore and someone can risk going to jail.
So I have since been on dating apps just talking to men. I have absolutely no interest in anything serious but I would like to have people to talk to. I don’t think I’m even capable of trying to see anyone in a romantic light and I have no urge for sex but I do have the urge for companionship. I wasted almost 2 years with a dismissive avoidant that was a full blown narc and I honestly think he’s bi-polar with a little bit of a mood disorder mixed in so I don’t want anything serious. I would like to have friends and be able to plan a little bit of a social life. My daughter usually spends the night with my Mom on Saturdays so once I get off work, I could hang out with someone.
I can honestly say after all this, I will never again live with someone, combine bills/households or have anything with both our names on if I pay for it. I will never again give up my home and jeopardize my stability that I have for my child or blindly follow someone to the threshold of hell. I have made a lot of mistakes and it’s going to take me years to pay off my credit cards and replace a bunch of my stuff but at least I’m out now and I can say I’m in a much better place mentally, physically and financially.
You definitely learn more at the end of a relationship than in the beginning. I grieve someone that’s still alive that’s a completely different person. I’m glad we are no longer together and I get another chance at life. I don’t think it was a mistake to leave my hometown but it would have been a huge mistake staying somewhere that there’s no jobs and being with someone that didn’t appreciate me. I honestly think we are both in a better spot and I couldn’t fight to hold on anymore. He couldn’t self regulate at all and his freak outs were getting worse and a lot more frequent. He didn’t have to be nice to me anymore and he wasn’t.
I’m supposed to work tomorrow but I have no sitter. My friend is always sick and she’s getting ready to leave town and my Mom has to work. I will work Friday through Sunday though. I’m worried that my check won’t be enough for rent and I have to pay my car insurance that’s due in a week. Ugh being an adult sucks but at least I’m not putting up with a drunk screaming at me and going off to crash my car.
He’s going to be really pissed once he discovers I’ve changed my passwords on Netflix and Hulu. I honestly hope he was watching something as it stopped playing. I’m done being threatened and call names. He’s pissed that I took my daughter away but glad because now he can do whatever he wants and talked about how he resented me for using him as a sitter. Um, I needed to go to work MF! If you don’t want to take care of kids, THEN DON’T BE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS KIDS!
It’s funny how he’s bitched about so many things that are completely irrelevant. We left there in February and won’t be coming back so STFU! Go live your life. Go drink more if that’s humanly possible! He was just a fat, toothless drunk that couldn’t control his anger and I couldn’t have my daughter witnessing his crazy anymore. I carry a lot of guilt that she saw it happen many times and I will make sure it never happens again.
I truly am glad it’s over. I was seriously so sick of our lives revolving around him, his moods and what he wanted to do. I’m not the type of person who needs to run around from the time I wake up until I go to bed and he’d call me a ‘homebody’ no it’s called I’m allowed to want to sit the fuck down sometimes! I worked and when I wasn’t working, I was at home cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. I’m ALLOWED to be tired! I’m ALLOWED to get sick! I’m ALLOWED to want to just sit down, eat dinner, watch some TV and go to bed! I don’t want to always be doing something!
All I know is I will NEVER put up with someone who has to drink every fucking day. I’ve been on the dating apps where most men don’t drink at all or do the bar. It’s crazy I dated someone a decade older than me that felt he needed to drink daily to the point of stupid and his idea of fun is going to the fucking bar. Like he are just getting too old and people are running into health issues now. I don’t even remember the last time I had a drink and I plan to keep it that way. I enjoy being sober and will never again be with a raging alcoholic. I put up with way more than I had the capacity for and I will make sure the next guy knows my boundaries right off the bat so there’s no confusion.
So yeah, I’m just going to pray that I’m able to find childcare for the Summer. That’s my top issue right now. I just want to be able to work. I am very grateful that I no longer live in a little shit hole town in the South. I’m glad my life has meaning again. I have also lost 22 pounds since I’ve been back and my diet is way better than it was.
I just hope that everyone who reads my diary takes positive things from it. The old saying goes, “a wise man learns from other peoples mistakes so he doesn’t have to learn from his own” and I just think my story can help other. I was single for way too long and the “right” guy came along that ended up not being the guy he claimed to be and ended up using the absolute fuck out of me and doesn’t give 2 shits about the predicament I’m in now because of it even though it’s my child that suffers.
I honestly see him the same way I see my daughter’s real Dad. I see him as a joke and I definitely understand why I’m not the first woman to leave him and I probably won’t be the last. I put up with WAY more than I should have and I will never do it again, even if it means staying single.
I’m going to lay down. More tomorrow.
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