On Saturday, I met up with someone from Grindr for a bite. We both wanted to try a new restaurant. I don’t think I can call this a date. We are both trying to make new friends. He was such an adorable little thing, though.
We went on a little rant about Grindr culture. I’m gay, I’m not into pussies, so I hate it when people hide their faces. What are you looking for? That is not a fair question if I haven’t seen their face. Once they send a pic that shows their face, we are even. I don’t hide mine. I hate it when they start asking for more after that. I have those available, but I’m not giving those away to just anyone.
I’m lowkey fatphobic. I see disability, disease, and moral failure. The red flags I look for are those that expose emotionally dysregulated people. Codependent people are parasitic to me. It’s self-esteem, self-respect, self-acceptance, and not we-esteem, we-respect, and we-acceptance, etc. I do feel bad about my little prejudices, so I keep them to myself, but they are there at the top of my mind, so I know where I need boundaries. People who struggle to relate to reality, I need strong boundaries with. I have friends who are overweight, but they don’t call themselves healthy and blame me and the world for it.
I had one guy I was getting along with, but he kept whining like a Pisces. When people complain, I am inclined to give advice. This is when they usually show their level of intelligence and reject every single idea. Basically, he is special. He is the exception. He has the perfect excuses to not make any changes in his life. I told him off. I don’t have patience for these kinds of people anymore. He’s getting over a divorce that happened two years ago. Imagine having so few coping skills in your 30s that you can’t handle a breakup from two-years ago?
Blah. I been eating bread for almost a week now with no side effects. Am I cured? It caught up with me yesterday. I pushed through it. I had a family-filled day. I woke up to my cousin calling me. She got hold of her brother, who lives in BC, and he hung up on her. He asked who was calling, and her emotionally incontinent ass responded with you don’t recognize your own sister?! I visited him last summer; he wants nothing to do with his family. My brother’s girlfriend DMd that morning too. My brother has been missing since Friday. He is on another bender. He took off with his truck again. She is also 10 weeks pregnant. My brother needs rehab. I am wondering if I am able to fly there (BC) and take him or something. My sister called to go to IKEA. I told her to take our mother because I had to take our grandmother shopping. Then I helped my mother once she returned from IKEA. I kept it a secret that my brother is back to drinking. If flying there could help in any way, I would board a plane right now. He’s going to ruin everything if he loses his license.
Alex and Nikki asked if I wanted to go for a walk just at the perfect time. My mind was doing that thing that I hate. It was trying to time out seeing that guy from the gym. The one that reminds me of Roarke. I hate Hate HATE what is happening in my brain with this. I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. This situation is so confusing. I was powerless with Roarke. Good God Get A Grip Girl! This too shall pass. I’ve been doing well at avoiding the gym at times when he is likely to be there. Sometimes, he still spawns. Always in the change room. Always in my section. Roarke is haunting me like a phantom.
Anyway, I have to go start my day.
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