Anxiety with depression is no joke. It is actually quite the potent combination that can be very damaging; often leading to suicidal thoughts and ideations. I know I have had my share. Who would want to be with someone who thinks about killing herself becuase it's easier to believe life would be better for others if she wasn't around to worry about? My logical brain says that's stupid; however, my anxiety demons say it makes perfect sense.
I spent the entire day in a funk. Although I was visiting my closest friend and hanging out with her children and husband, I could not feel any source of happiness. I saw the family photos on the wall, the drawings from her children scattered everywhere, and the calendar filled with appointments and plans for the family. All of that served to remind me of what I don't have. Of what it feels like I will never have. I go online to play a game and I am reading of what everyone else is doing with their day. I think of the woman I love and I know she is on discord talking to all of her friends from her game. The depression deepens. Everywhere I look, I see what I don't have. I am alone in my world, in my heart, in my head.
These feelings did not use to exist. A year ago, I thought things were changing for the better. I met someone who made genuinely made me happy. I looked forward to waking up each day, becuase I got to talk to her. When I went to work, had appointments or made plans, I knew she was just a text or a call away. I knew I had her company and I didn't feel alone. I felt wanted. Sometimes, I felt needed. Just the thought of her would brighten my day and make me smile. People at work noticed a difference in my demeanor, but no one knew why.
Now, those memories only serve to hurt me. They remind of what could have been, but never was and most likely never will be. Then I fluxuate between being pissed off that fate showed me such great happiness and love only to rip it from me like a cruel joke and being sad because it all ended through no fault of my own and I am left feeling so incredibly empty.
How can one person so completely fill every crevice of your heart? How do you feel the void the loss of that person leaves behind? This isn't a loss from death. At least that has some sense to it. This is a voluntary loss on the other person's part and I had no say in any of it. This was happiness choosing to walk away; leaving sadness in it's place.
To be completely fair, it's not her fault I feel this way. She did not set out to hurt me. She did not plan on making me fall in love with her, only to shatter my heart. Her feelings for me were geniune. We truly did care about each other and love each other. It was life that got in the way. It was fate that threw the curveballs and built the mountains. We bother suffer from anxiety. We both have issues we are working on. It's the "how" to working on those problems that caused our rift. It's a rift I don't know we can bridge. It feels like a chasm that is ever growing.
I don't want to live the rest of my life watching everyone else be happy. Even she has happiness moments with her friends. I don't even have that. I have one friend, several hundred miles away, who has her own life with her husband and children. The only way we could hang out is if we lived closer to gether and that can't happen because there is no job in her area that could pay enough to help me support two households.
It geniunely feels so easy to just end everything. I wouldn't hurt anymore. I would make the woman I love feel like crap becuase I am unhappy. I would not be a constant reminder to her that she is the source of much of my sadness now. She would be able to find someone else and eventually be happy with a new partner. I know I showed her that much. I showed her that she is worth being loved. She worth fighting for. She deserves respect and to be desired and wanted for who she is, not who someone else wants her to be. I truly want her to be happy, to know a life with happiness and support and to experience what it is like to have at least the smaller dreams come true.
All of these things are things I no longer believe possible for me. I know my worth. I know what I deserve. I just don't believe I'll ever get it. I can't make someone else take on the responsibility for being my happiness and my joy. So why keep living a life that isn't a life at all?
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