I finished watching Six Feet Under tonight. It always makes me bawl. I shouldn't have watched it since I'm already on such an emotional tight rope anyway but I couldn't help myself. I think I just wanted to dive into the pain of such intense loss. So. I watched it and I cried so hard.
Then, I had the beginnings of an anxiety attack. I could barely breathe, felt like I was having a heart attack and I just had to lay there and calm myself down. I forced my body to stop the process and then I started crying more. I made it to the bathroom and I tried to splash water on my face but in the process of trying to look at myself in the mirror, I started crying again. It shook my whole body and I collapsed on the floor. I've never cried so hard I couldn't hold myself up anymore. And I was on the floor with my head against the wall crying- the kind of cry where snot is running down your face and you're drooling on yourself because it's just so raw.
I kept trying to stop myself, kept trying to pull myself together but I just couldn't. So I stayed there until the shaking stopped and my sobs turned into a trickling whimper. I blew my nose, cried a little more and then went outside to freeze the tears away.
You know. I don't want to live my life anymore if it means I live it without the very few people who have inhabited it with me. Where is the meaning, where is the purpose, where is the love? I feel lost, wandering alone and I can't even see far enough into the future to see that I'll be okay. It's too deep right now. (Will it ever not be too deep?)
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