It dawned on me what that guy from the gym represents. Somewhere in my psyche, he reminds me of Roarke.
It’s so embarrassing, really. I’m neutral with everyone else I see in that change room. This one guy? Gives me Roarke energy. He’s haunting me like a phantom. I’ve lost sleep. I’ve skipped meals. That Roarke saga was years ago. I figured it was closed because he moved away. Looks like it was brought to the surface.
At least I know what I’m dealing with now. I did not like who I was during that saga. That was over ten years ago. 2012, I believe. After my epiphany this morning, twice, a guy at work said something Roarke had said to me. It was spooky.
To cope with this mass internal confusion, I have been talking to people on Grindr. I am the heavyweight champion of carrying a conversation. It’s not really a cope. I am trying to make friends. This is where everyone seems to be. It’s a hookup app, I might as well use it for that. I mean, my roommate is out of town this weekend.
Anyway, I didn’t have a lot of time to write. I have to move on with my day. I see my Osteo, and then I’m going to hot yoga. Tomorrow I take my kids to a sweat lodge. Then I have a weekend to pull myself together.
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