is such a mindfuck.
This new revelation that I had in relation to my dad has given me another great insight. That I can have an objective (to me) value. That my value is not dictated moment-by-moment by what the dominating force in my life thinks or feels or how it treats me.
This revelation, maybe, seems obvious to most. Maybe. I’m not so sure with the quality and state of the world.
I feel a sense of enjoyment. Of discovering what it would be like to live exclusively in my purpose, meeting my needs, and discovering that when I do, everyone around me is intrinsically cared for. This isn’t selfishness- it’s actually a trusting in my own heart intelligence that because, as I am only one part of a whole, that the wisdom guiding me is like a piece of information meant for me to fulfill my part of a whole body, much like a hand or finger acting in concert and alignment with the entire purpose of the body. Instead of attempting to decide what is right from an individuated finger perspective-perceiving in a small and impossibly limited way what the body is doing and attempting to align with whatever purpose that is perceived from that incredibly restrained vantage point, to just let the inherent communication urge me to act without thought, and to join in that visceral dance which does not so much speak, but just undulates in harmony.
There is also this sense of loss. Not of sadness. But of loss. I am very aware of the lack of compulsion to do certain things. I find myself observing myself in fascination- “Wow. I am not closing down and being silent. I don’t feel that irresistible urge that has heretofore sent me into a reaction spiral. The trigger has occurred and I am not reacting” And it is a feeling of absence. I am left simply observing and wondering; “what do I do now?” I am left with a blank slate and an infinite opportunity to replace that behavior. Do I even want to replace the behavior? What do I want to do? What are my values by which I would even decide what to do?
And I sense a desire for the fear that would have, at every stage of my life so far, spurred me into spontaneous action. I miss it. I feel without it a loss of direction. It is confusing and almost boring.
Not feeling fear is nothing like I thought it would be. I experience a trigger- or whatever, some kind of a stimulus- that would have produced fear in me previously and that fear would have spurred a compulsive thought and behavior to secure safety from that fear. Say, an unexpected bill came in. In response, or in relation to it, I felt fear. That fear I would feel and instantly my mind produced a myriad of solutions which are designed to assuage that fear; I have enough money to pay it; we can strain this budget or that one; so-and-so won’t mind if we skimp on this project; there is enough credit to cover it and on and on. A series of reactions to this fear that would relieve the pressure to simply feel that fear.
Instead of all that, I find myself in a strange world of freedom. And I’m not sure that I would say this freedom is better. In a strange way, it is stressful. There are far more choices and actions available to me-fear no longer narrows my horizon to just a few alternatives. It is overwhelming to consider the endless possibilities of how to react to any given situation. And I think, just maybe, that considering these endless possibilities is a trap. It’s a trap that we’re naturally funneled away from by fear. As in, the fear is a trap within a trap. But this overwhelming endless possibility train is the larger trap.
This larger trap of freedom, so to speak, I can sense is another test. It is the trap designed to test our resolve to trusting the intuition, or heart, or higher self, or however one would like to name that something which guides us like the wisdom that guides the entire body to harmonize and align. This trap is quite similar to the fear trap; in fact it is the same trap, just on a higher octave. Arriving beyond fear, the Toltecs would say, we now face the second greatest enemy of man; Clarity. If I were to remain paralyzed in the mind-boggling freedom of choice, and attempt to have and follow clarity, then I would be utterly lost. Because there is no clarity in the endless infinity of every possibility. By definition, it is infinite.
This cognitive explanation has come to me today, on the Spring Equinox and funnily enough, just as Mercury has stationed direct exactly conjunct the North Node in Pisces. My North Node, I should add. This particular Mercury retrograde has been DEEP for me. And today it seems like everything is pouring out of my unconscious and into conscious fruition.
Loading comments...