Most of my self-therapy have been CBT based. A new technique I will be trying soon is both behavioral activation and exposure therapy. This part, unfortunately, requires the help of the person with him my anxiety is mostly triggered. It was really hard to ask her for help, becuase I know she is going through a lot herself but also becuase I half expected her to say no. I mean, why would she? She doesn't owe me anything. I'm barely a part of her life as it is.
Then I realize that's my anxiety talking. I recognize the negative thoughts and the negative swing my mind has taken. Reminding myself of the truth and being patient have been a little more difficult than I like to admit.
I found myself, after 7 hours of silence after having asked for help, struggling to not bombard her messenger with messages. My anxiety started to rise and the voices were whispering. I worked on grounding techniques and also found distractive tools to use. For the most part, it worked. The anxiety did not flower into chaos. My heart did not feel like it was going dry up. My nerves did not feel wired. Eventually, she did respond. She was busy and it was why she had not responded sooner. Admittedly, I felt sort of proud of myself for not having caved to the negative thoughts and the bad feelings. Reminding myself of the truths, of reality, of what is most likely the reason versus what my anxiety says is the reason..... it's hard, but it works.
The behaviorial activation involves intentionally scheduling activities that align with your values or bring joy. Exposure therapy involves intentionally scheduling activities that forces me to confront, or be exposed to, the issues that cause me anxiety. Unfortunately, one person can do both. She is my greatest joy and I thoroughly love being around her. There is never a dull moment and usually there's laughter (even if it may be at my expense). However, when the end of our visit nears, that is when the anxiety creeps in. When the visit is over and I am in my car, that is when the anxiety smacks me in the face.
So, that is my next step. To work on those. I don't want every visit with her to result in a mental or emotional breakdown. I want to return to how I used to feel when she and I first met and were together. I loved being with her and the joy she gave me when we were together often carried over for the next few days with no anxiety. When I said she made me happy, I had not been lying. Each day was easier and better because she made me feel important and like I could do anything, or would want to do anything. That sounds really cheezy, but if you've never been in love, then I can't imagine you would ever really understand.
A day and time have not been scheduled, as I told her we can meet when she is ready. I am trying to be respectful of what all she is going through and not push my own needs before her needs. I will continue to try and journal and I will continue with the grounding and reality techniques so that I do not become overwhelmed with anxiety. The last few days have been minor, comparatively speaking. I also feel.... numb. Just going through life becuase it is expected of me, but not really caring where I am or what I am doing. I know that needs work as well, but there is only so much I can work on at one time.
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