Trying to capture the anxiety through the journal has been difficult. I have not had any severe anxiety issues lately. It's like it knows I am trying to work on it. I have small episodes. I have thoughts and some feelings. I address those, but nothing very.... overwhelming? Damaging? I don't kow how to explain it.
Now, I am going to work on a writing prompt that is provided in the book I am reading. Hopefully, it helps.
Recall a recent time when you felt intense fear of someone leaving or pulling away. What was the situation? Who was involved? What triggered the fear?
This isn't as easy to do as it should be. haha There are numerous times, but the last and most recent was when I had that full blown anxiety attack. I was working, but when I had pauses in my work, I would message someone I care about very much. I won't bring up her name, as that is irrelevant. I know who it was. She knows, too. I don't recall what triggered it, so I need to go back and look at our messaging to see if I can recognize what may have caused it.
Oh. It's weird. haha There's not real reason for it. Looking back, we were being a little silly over something about a knob on a washing machine. Then I told her about my day. While telling her about my day, I shared feelings and emotions I normally would never share with anyone; however, I know I have been working on a different, more open, style of communication so the extra and more detailed information made sense. However, there were 5 hours of silence after sharing what I did. I know how often she looks at her phone, which is often. She's glued to it and her brain is wired to check everything, in real life, on her phone, in email. It's actually one of the things I like about her. She's focused, but she's aware. She is admirable mutli-tasking machine. When she didn't respond, I asked if I said anything wrong or if she just felt like being silent with me. That line, right there, should have been a trigger flag. That's not something I would normally say. That put focus on me and not focus on her and I am the type of person that always puts focus on the other person and how they are feeling.
She did respond to that by saying she was busy and not really sure what to say (to what I wrote). I remember now. I felt like shit. I had no real reason for it, but I immediately regretted sharing anything of how I felt with her. I regretted sharing my day and telling her anything. I was hurt. I told her I regretted saying anything, but her response was not one I guess I was looking for? Her response was interpreted in my brain as saying "I don't care about what you said, so why are you making a big deal out of it?" In my calm state, when anxiety is not trying to kill my brain, I understand her response to be "I have a lot going on personally, so I can't process what you're saying at this time, but it doesn't mean I don't care." I feel I know her well enough to know that much at least.
My response was short, initially. But then I had the anxiety attack.
Describe your immediate emotional and physical response. Did you feel panic, anger, sadness or numbness? Was your heart racing? Did you experience a tight chest or shallow breathing?
Hard to forget that moment. My chest was tight, as if my heart was squeezing itself dry or just not functioning at all. My emotions were all over the place. I was angry, I was hurt, and I felt betrayed. Lied to. I remember I was crying and so utterly confused. I wanted to yell, but I also wanted to hide. I remember wishing I wasn't even alive, because it hurt so damn much. A small part of my brain recognized that what was happening was not "me," but I couldn't stop any of it. Even as I messaged her, I knew I would regret it, but I didn't know why I would. I didn't understand why I was hurting so much over something so seemingly small and simple.
What thoughts ran through your mind? Did you imagine being alone forever? Did you fear rejection, being replaced, or being seen as unworthy?
None of those thoughts are uncommon for me. I constantly feel unworthy, but I was always made to feel as if I wasn't worth being with. The only time I had not ever felt that was when I was with her. When we were physically together, either sitting together or laying together, and we were talking or just hanging out. She made me feel worthy.
That day, in that moment, I felt as if she had changed her mind. I suddenly wasn't worth it anymore. Everything I had ever said and ever done suddenly did not matter. One moment, she cared deeply for me, and then in that moment, she cared not at all. Before sending what I did, I felt she had pulled away and chose to start separating her life from mine (what little of it is actually tied together). After sending it, I felt I had lost her completely. She could never forgive me for what I said, for how I made her feel, and she never would. I don't deserve her, I don't deserve anyone. I was ashamed, but I was still scared and still hurting.
What did you do in response to the fear? Did you text repeatedly, shut down emotionally, lash out, or withdraw? Did you try to control the situation or apologize excessively?
I definitely lashed out. Then I started to shut down. I started to apologize, felt it wouldn't matter at all if I did and it wouldn't be believable, told her I was a horrible person and then I just stopped. I stopped messaging, stopped talking. I did not constantly bombard her with messages, although I wanted to. After work, I went home and laid in bed for hours, unable to sleep at all. My stomach was a mess. My head hurt tremendously. I just felt so sick and worthless. It was why I called out from work. I couldn't go. I had no sleep and thought I might vomit at any moment.
Now go deeper: What experience does this remind you of? Try to connect the dots. Was there a time in childhood when you felt abandoned or dismissed similarly?
This is where it gets hard. I don't have any childhood memories of feeling abandoned or dismissed. I had to feel wanted in order to feel the other two things. My sister and my brother always got all of the attention. The only time I was noticed was if either of them blamed me for something they did and I therefore got into trouble. I never felt noticed.
The first time I felt noticed and wanted was when I fell in love at 16 years old with someone I had never met. Lashona and I connected through our writing before we connected personally. Then we met in person and there was an instant curiosity and spark. I wasn't obssessed with her. She was just...new. I wanted to explore and know more. She paid attention to me. She was the first person I told my dreams to and although she did not support half of them, she still listened.
Looking back, I think this may have been when I started to develope a fear? I remember feeling scared she may go away if I didn't change my dreams to conform to what she wanted. I wanted to go to the Air Force Academy, but the first year would mean no contact with family or friends and I remember Lashona was 100% against that. She actually told me she would not wait for me and that upset me. I changed my plans and chose a university somewhere else. Eventually, she cheated on me and it took me a couple of weeks to figure it out. I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve that betrayal and I still felt I was the better fit for her. I wanted to be with her, but she was pulling away. Then she said she wanted both of us and I tried to give her what she wanted, but I despised the guy so much and so I told her to choose. She chose him. I was devastated. Everything, I had worked on for her, changed for her, to be with her, was for nothing. I remember I spent 2 years trying to convince her to come back, until one day, New Years, I just cut that tie completely. I still never understood what I had done wrong. She said it was because I was not sexually active enough, but that just seemed so silly to me. I understand now, but at the time, I didn't.
How did that younger version of you respond? Were you left to manage big emotions alone? Did you learn to hide your needs, or to over-function to be loved?
I definitely worked through it all alone. All of my friends had moved and gone away to college or the military. I had no family other than my mother who had mental health issues. I had just been disowned by my father, not that he was ever a part of my life anyway. I had to figure it all out on my own and find a new path forward. I made a ton of mistakes. I went through phases of being overly clingy, to obssessive, to resentful, to numb. It took about 10 years before I found someone else with whom I had such a strong connection with. That relationship lasted for a shorter period of time and she did the same thing as Lashona. Left me for someone else, although the reason wasn't becuase of sex. I was in basic training and she simply moved on without waiting. I remember being upset and trying to figure out what about me made me not worth waiting for, not worth being loved.
What would you say to that younger version of yourself now? How can you offer safety, reassurance, and love to the part of you that still fear being left?
I honestly don't think I could say anything that would be believed by my younger self. I had to go through all of the emotions and figure out how to live with them and deal with them individually. Over the years, I thought I had. I had cared about others before. I have been left every time. Only once did I care about someone, but she turned me down when i asked her out, and said we were better off as friends. She wasn't wrong. Months later, I asked her what the real reason was for not dating me and she said I was too intense. She couldn't handle my feelings and emotions and therefore knew she wouldn't be a good partner for me. She was still very immature in many ways and not ready to be mature in all the ways I needed. I respected her response and appreciated she was honest with me. We are still friends to this day. She came to my wedding.
I don't know that I can ever get rid of the fear of being rejected or left. In my mind, the only "fix" to that belief is for someone to choose to be with me. My wife didn't choose me. She settled for me, becuase the person she wanted no longer wanted her. I have never been chosen. With this new person, I felt chosen. I felt seen. I told her my dreams and thoughts on the future and never once shut any of it down. She actually explored them with me. Granted, they were fantasy conversations, but just the fact that she indulged my thoughts and words.... I remember it meant the world to me.
A part of me knows I did not destroy everything with her; however, a large part of me feels as if she will never again give me a chance. I may have just doomed myself to the friend zone. I have no idea how to handle that, becuase she is quite literally the only woman I have ever had some of these feelings with. The sexual attraction is insane when I used to think I was inacapble of ever being sexually attracted to anyone. The need to share what I am thinking and feeling is often overwhelming, whereas before her all I ever did was share what was needed to know and nothing more.
I am starting to recognize some of the anxiety for what it is and some of the thoughts for what they are, but I can't help but feel as if I am working on myself for nothing. If I lost the one person I want in my life more than anyone else, what does it matter if I work on these issues? I'll just be alone. Far easier to be a spinster to ever feel the pain I have felt these last few months.
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