I called out of work again. This is the second time in a week I have called out of work. Very, very unlike me. I woke up sweating, my stomach burning, and my mind racing so much, I could not even begin to capture a single thought. I barely managed to text my boss that I will not be at work today. She has yet to respond, but I know she had the route covered.
I am tired. No. I am exhuasted. Yet, I cannot sleep. There's a tornado in my head, but outwardly I feel so calm...and tired. This entry may be all over the place. Seems fitting.
I'm supposed to track my anxiety patterns. When, with whom, and how do they appear? I feel like this would have been more helpful had I started closer to the beginning of when when the rollercoaster started? However, it's been 6 months, so there's a lot to digest and regurgitate.
When do you notice your anxiety spike? What was the trigger?
With whom do you feel the most anxious about being left or forgotten?
How do you tend to cope when separation feels imminent - do you reach out? Shut down? Obssess? or Avoid?
What thoughts usually accompany anxiety? (i.e. They don't care about me, I'll always be alone)
How long does it take for your anxiety to subside? What helps it fade?
These are all great questions, but not necessarily easy to answer. Certainly not when in the middle of an anxiety storm, as I like to call the whirlwind in my brian. I know that tracking the anxiety is not about judgment. It's not supposed to make me feel bad or crazy. It's supposed to be about awareness. Once I can answer the above questions, once I can see the written answers with my eyes, I can gain an understanding the anxious thoughts won't let me currently gain and then I can start to rewire my brain and how I react to situations.
The fear of abandonment ... [is] more than just a fear - it's a felt sense of dread that can grip your chest, cloud your thinking, and send your nervous system into overdrive. This fear doesn't always come from a concious belief that someone will leave... While this fear might seem irrational or exaggerated on the surface, it feels undeniably real at the moment, often bypassing logic and triggering powerful emotional reactions.
Never has a passage in a book spoke so accurately to me. I have always been a very logical person (in my opinion, ofcourse). I enjoy certain types of research, love learning (anything really), and dislike not understanding something I want to understand. I'm definitely more left brained than right brained. So when I act and react with my emotions over the logic speaking in my brain, it terrifies me. One half is acting/reacting to a situation with total and utter chaotic anxiety and the other half is reacting to the chaotic anxiety with total and utter disbelief, fear, and even anger because that anxiety will have stripped me of all control. I spent my life gaining control over my feelings and emotions. I spent my life showing people only what I wanted them to see and not revealing what I did not want to reveal. Anxiety changed that. It follows no rules. It has no logic. It does what it wants and laughs in your face when you try to tell it to stop.
Our nervous system constantly scans for cues of safety and danger in our environment, a process called "neuroception." When we sense disconnection, disapproval, or distance from someone we care about, our body may interpret this as a threta to our survival...
Humans are wired to seek connection. We are not meant to live and be alone all our life.
Individuals with high rejection sensistivity interpret ambiguous social cues - like a partner being quiet or a friend not replying - as signs of rejection. These perceptions can then set off a cascade of emotional responses, from shame and anger to panic and withdrawal.
This book is massively accurate on so many levels, it is scary. The audio book I listened to before reading this book was enlightening. Before this past weekend, I had read many psychology books on various different disorders, but I had never read any regarding anxiety disorders. Maybe I should have. Then I would have been aware of what was happening, maybe, and could have prevented my outburst.
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