Dear God,
My stomach woke me up this morning—it was in knots. I had a strange dream where I kept feeling like someone was stealing from me. Amara appeared in the dream, and we were standing near a bookshelf. She took some scented markers—the kind where orange smells like orange and yellow smells like banana.
But honestly, the details of the dream don’t really matter.
I think I’m just feeling a lot because of my OE.
I accidentally erased the main group chat—“Class of 92.” Thankfully Carl reached out to me. Out of everyone here, he’s honestly been the sweetest to me.
An hour has passed and I’ve been twisting and turning in bed. I’m not hungry, but all I have in the fridge is cold food. Maybe warm food would help me sleep better. But I’m trying to stay in bed and rest.
I looked for my sleeping pills, but there was no more trazodone. I used the second-to-last sleeping patch on my wrist and I hope it works.
Then I thought about my dad calling me a lioness.
I also thought about maybe getting a cat someday. Since this is my last year in my apartment, it might be a good time to foster animals and train one the way I’d like. I don’t necessarily want more responsibility right now, but it’s something I’m thinking about.
A few hours later I finally got up and went downstairs for breakfast. I’m glad I did because they had sausage today. I had oatmeal, a cheese omelet, sausage, and potatoes.
When I went back for coffee I saw Teresa. She was wearing boots with gym clothes and a baseball cap, which made me smile. After seven weeks of training we’ve all been repeating the same outfits.
It reminded me how grateful I am that Shervy drove several hours to visit me and bring me a change of clothes. Teresa and I talked briefly about how neither of us has been sleeping well. She still wakes up around 3 a.m. every night. I told her when that happens she should talk to You. I wonder if she ever prays during those moments.
Before leaving she mentioned that she and Alex were meeting Alex’s instructor before her OE to ask questions.
Later I saw Alex making a waffle.
“Look at you cooking,” I said with a smile.
“Oh hey,” she replied.
After I returned to my room, I texted Teresa asking if she could share any helpful tips they might receive. I’m praying she does. But even if she doesn’t, I know You have me in the palm of Your hand.
I also texted Irock yesterday. I wrote him three paragraphs about my experience here, my final exam, and how I’d love to record my song with him. He responded today with only two sentences about being on vacation and saying I should record elsewhere since he’s on vacation.
God, this man doesn’t make it easy for me to like him. I don’t expect perfection from him, but sometimes his responses rub me the wrong way. Still, I respect his honesty.
I pray that Irock will not do me wrong.
I pray that June will not steal my money.
I pray that everything I’m working toward will come to fruition.
I pray this in Jesus’ name.
Right now I’m back in bed trying to rest. I changed my wake-up call to noon so I can get another hour and a half of sleep.
Then my cousin Brenda called. She’s 80 and not feeling well. I hope she recovers soon. Losing most of her family must be very difficult. She lost a daughter my age from leukemia early on in life and her husband recently. All she has left is her son, Micheal.
I thought about reconnecting with my cousin Michael. The last time I saw him I was under the influence and acted strangely. I’ve always felt bad about that moment in time when I saw him.
I thought about another cousin, Harry. He passed away years ago under mysterious circumstances. I often wonder what truly happened. I think it was suicide but no one in my family knows except his parents. My family has a very strange dynamic.
Now I’m back in the van heading toward my OE. Something interesting happened—some senior flight attendants started talking to me first and being really welcoming. One girl even gave me the answers for the test and I’m studying them now.
Now I’m actually excited for my OE.
(Later)
My OE ended yesterday around 6 a.m.
God, thank You. I passed. I’m finally a flight attendant.
When we landed in Hawaii I slept for about four hours and then went to the beach. Hawaii is so beautiful. If I had enough money, I’d live there—right on the beach.
Now I’m entering a new era of my life.
No smoking.
No drinking.
And I’m officially a flight attendant while I continue preparing for my dreams.
Being back home makes me realize how exhausted I truly was. There’s also a small sadness I can’t quite explain—maybe because I’m alone and now everything is up to me.
No one is going to force me to work toward my career. It’s my responsibility.
I heard something recently that stuck with me:
“Is this in alignment with my goal?”
“If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.”
Those words really resonated with me.
So now I want to structure my days with intention.
Today my goals are:
- Prepare my uniforms and alterations
- Use my $300 tailoring balance wisely
- Return shoes that were too big
- Wash and unpack clothes
- Pick up my red dress from a designer
- Plan my social media content
- Bid for flight attendant schedules
- Schedule appointments for my health insurance
That is more than enough for one day.
God, I’m tired but grateful.
Thank You for guiding me through training and helping me pass my OE.
Please continue guiding my life, my career, and my dreams.
I love You.
Amen.
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