It all coelesced on March 3rd, 2026. I had a massive anxiety attack; although, at the time, I did not know what was happening other than I was going crazy. I had to be crazy. That was the only explanation for saying what I said and doing what I did. Especially since, when I read what I wrote, I knew full well I did not mean it. Yet, how could anyone believe that? I wrote it. I wrote it with such feeling, that it must have been true. Only my knowing it wasn't true is what pushed me to ask for help in understanding what in the hell was going on with me. Little did I know I would not like the answer.
So let me back track and explain from as close to a beginning as I can get.
2014 - Diagnosed with Chronic Adjustment Disorder. This was the military way of saying I had PTSD, but without diagnosing me with such a disorder so that I could remain on the ready deployment listing. It also meant several other truths: I lived with a to-go bag; constantly prepared to leave at a moments notice and never happy staying in one place for too terribly long. If I wasn't deployed, I was going TDY somewhere for training or conferences. Simply put, it was abnormal for me to be at home for longer a 6 month period. After a while, and with some research, I began to understand and accept that as a part of my life and who I am. I also knew there were ways to mitigate the urges to leave and would incorporate making changes to support a more acceptable living style for American society. Especially one that involved having a family. Before I got married, I made certain my wife knew of the diagnosis and there would be times I would need to simply go away and satisfy the urge to not be in one place. It didn't mean I didn't love her. It didn't mean I didn't want to be at home or have a family. It just meant I couldn't stay still. Only recently did I discover....it was because I never had an achor. Most people with this diagnosis never do. Not even our children could anchor us in place. But I digress.
2017 - Diagnosed with PTSD - finally. This brought up new things to deal with, new issues to learn to live with, and more adjustment. However, it wasn't a surprise and I had already gone to therapy for the nightmares and subsequent issues post deployment.
2021 - Anxiety Disorder - Triggered. I always had anxiety. Mostly, it was social anxiety. I was always quiet, always a wall-flower, and usually only went out to parties or gatherings when I was with a very extroverted friend or had a mask firmly in place so no one could see my internal struggle. Most people who knew me never knew I suffered from anxiety. That's not uncommon. However, in 2021, there a specfic incidient that occured while I was a correctional officer at an all female prison (that was also very, very under staffed). When downrange, we were never alone. We always had a battle buddy. That day, in the prison, I had no one. Just me and an inmate that could easily get out of handcuffs, as she was actively doing at the time. Long story short, although I handled the situation and was not fearful of my life, the next day, I realized I couldn't go into work. I had no idea why. My supervisor came out to my car, we talked, and I realized it wasn anxiety attack. I went to a doctor, got medicine. and returned to work. Unfortunately, I had to stop taking the medicine becuase it made me gain weight. Weight I have yet to lose. However, that wasn't a problem becuase I no longer had that job and the anxiety went away.
Those were the only diagnoses I had regarding my mental health. My past, such as my childhood, involved much time spent alone becuase everyone else was busy with other people and I preferred my books. I raised myself from the time I was 10 years old. I moved to a whole new state when I was 13, then moved my mother to the same state when I was 14. I had no attachment to anyone, anything, nor any place. I moved a lot. I met a ton of different people. I traveled due to the military.
Now, I did date. The women I grew to like a whole lot, usually did not feel the same way about me. There were 4 whom I remember specifically that stand out. All 4 had stated they had feelings for me, but then left me for someone else without ever telling me why. Yes, it hurt. No, I wasn't entirely heart broken. After my first love cheated on me and then left me for the person she cheated on me, I stopped believing people when they said they weren't going anywhere. In my mind, I was okay with that. I knew if someone came along to change it, then that would be great, but I wasn't going to hold my breath.
Life moved on. I did marry my first love, but only becuase I was settling for someone I was familiar with. We had remained friends after our split, so we knew each other fairly well. Unfortunately, the marriage didn't last for various reasons.
So that brings me to the current state of affairs. I now have a new diagnosis and it was one I was not prepared for.
2026 - Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder
I had no freak'n clue that was even a thing. I had never had an attachment to anything nor anyone, so how could I have such an anxiety disorder. No, I did not self diagnose. I would have to know of the disorder, first.
Dr. Brown (a very generic name, no? haha) was very kind. When I had a very .... unkind ... anxiety attack that was shared with someone I love very much, I about lost my mind. Something in me was breaking and I had no idea what was going on and I had no idea why any of it was happening. I used to pride myself on the control I had over my own emotions, but lately, I have had no control. Some days are good. Yet, the bad days were increasing. I needed help. And not just therapy type help. I needed to know what was wrong and why.
Dr. Brown read what I wrote and asked me if I ever kept a journal. I told him I did not have an active journal, but lately I had been writing a lot becuase it was the only outlet I had. He asked me to share with him what I wrote. So after he took the time to read my ramblings, view the screenshots of my lengthy comments, and listened to my concerns.... he came back with the diagnosis. Not in one day, mind you. As a VA healthcare professional, he is allowed to put it in my record. Immediately, I was concerned. I exhibited all but one or two of the symptoms for the disorder and I was not comforted by that fact. It was actually disheartening.
It was later, after digesting everything, that I found I was happy with the information. For weeks, I thought I had been going crazy. I was saying one thing, but doing another. I was having reactions I would normally never have and experiencing feelings and thoughts for which there was no legitimate reason for it.
Right now, my brain is just tired. The day I learned of the disorder, read about it, and realized the truth of what was going on in my head, there was only one person I wanted to talk to. It didn't happen. So I said I would try to write it down, but...everything I wrote tonight is not at all how I said it in my head. Much of what I wanted to talk about, I still have not written. Maybe I'll write something separate for her later. I don't know yet. I finally told my best friend. I needed to talk to someone that knew me and she was the only other person to talk to about any of this stuff. For the last few days, I have not had any anxiety attacks. I think that's becuase I have been too tired. But I do still have anxious thoughts. And that is why I started this journal.
From now on, I will try my best to document the anxiety. I have already started learning and doing grounding techniques. I tried breathing and it just isn't for me. My mind races too much for me to focus on the in and out of my breathe. I also have been working on the reality technique. That is when every time I start to have anxious thoughts, or find myself obssessing over something, I ask myself what the thoughts are based on, if they are true, and what makes them not true. So far, it seems to be working.
I know I will have good days and bad days. Like tonight. I am having anxious thoughts. I try not to take any of it personal and I am trying to bring in reality. It is not always easy. Actually, it is never easy. I still have my fears: rejection, being lied to, being left. I still have the negative thoughts: I'm not worth it, doesn't really want me, deserve to be alone.
I know all of that is part of the anxiety. I had never experienced any of it like I am now. It's not fun. However, I do know the type of person I am. I know I am worth being with, if only someone can have a little patience with me and want me all the same. I am kind, I am loyal, I am patient (when I am not being driven by anxiety), I generally understanding, and I have a huge desire to be a better person. I am driven to learn how to dampen the anxious thoughts. I know I will live with them the rest of my life, but I also know they don't have to control me and the outburst that changed sooooo much..... well, it doesn't have to happen again. It can be prevented. Typically, working on something like this requires the help of a second person, but I will be doing this alone for the foreseeable future. There is much to do. Much yet to be learned. I may lose the one thing I want more than anything else, but I will have gained a stronger version of me and a better understanding of how my mind works.
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