One of my favorite games as a kid because I was so good at it - hide and go seek. I’ve hidden so well before the other kids forgot I was playing and left. It’s true! I was so good at becoming part of the surrounding that I could hide and still see everything going on around me. It’s one of a very few things I could brag about.
I also found that I could hide in plain sight. I could play the role of the person I wanted my work life to know, and keep my social life separated. I would have probably flourished in the CIA. I had a high school reunion in the last few years and even some of my classmates said - we never knew this or that about you, until it came out in social media.
I’ve even figured out how to hide here. I meticulously try to make sure that there are very few breadcrumbs that would give away much. I mean really - what do you think you know about me that would help you figure out who I am.
Some of you just throw it all out there and I admire that. Internally, I wish I had that ability. I’m always battling the fear that if you know the real me that our relationship becomes conditional. I’ve tested the theory a few times and I’m 10/10. If it meant losing you as a friend and knowing the real me - I’m not willing to lose you as a friend. I will play the role of the idea that keeps me relevant to you.
Example - I have a friend that politically knows I am a moderate. He assumes that means I agree with his total far left ideology. I absolutely do not. But, rather than lose a good friend - he never hears my true thoughts on issues. I will take a more left of center view that I can live with but not much. It’s just enough to keep it from becoming a friendship ending debate.
Example 2 - I’ve been friends with a female friend for as long as I can remember. While in a relationship with someone else I developed feelings for this person. She actually worked at store not far from my office before getting married to her high school sweetheart. I knew it was wrong. Myself, in a committed relationship with my high school sweetheart made me very confused over it. I also knew that acting on it might mean losing a friend and most definitely 2 - too much risk with 0 reward even if my happiness was on the line. Someone that from time to time could have a conversation about movies and restaurants and whatever. I wasn’t willing to lose a friend for my feelings. I felt like if she knew - she’d never speak to me again. It worked out for her - she’s happy and not long after they were married we stopped talking at all. I see that she will like a Facebook post from time to time, but that’s it. Do I still have those feelings - not at all. So, my emotions and hormones were obviously lying to me and my intuition to stay hidden worked out for the good of everyone. The what might have been works on me when I’m extremely stressed - I won’t hide that fact. However, I quickly snap back into reality and ask for forgiveness and move on.
Now, with that type of ability to hide I also have curiosity to find as well. My little sister had a stalker once. Took me about 2 hours to track them down thru social media. The breadcrumbs are huge sometimes even when you try to sweep them under the proverbial rug.
It’s not all bad to hide. It’s not good long term but you have to know your true self. Can I go to my grave with hidden secrets that only me and God knows? Absolutely… Can you?
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