You know how you know that the sky is up and a rock is a rock. I know for a fact that I am a kind, loving, mostly open minded, though very obstinate at times human being. I know that I can be very funny and that generally people like me. Why is it though that thoughts sneak into your head like ‘You’re not really worth the effort,’ or ‘This is just what you deserve out of life.’ Like seriously, coming from someone who has non existent self esteem as it is, these thoughts are vicious. To myself! No one is telling me this. There is not a person in my life that has said these things to me to my face.
Yet my own thoughts like to go there. If something doesn’t pan out the way I want it to, if the meal I cooked doesn’t look exactly like the picture, if I don’t get the response I am looking for…its because you suck, you’re not worth it, why do you put for all this effort if you know this is what you’ll get? Those thoughts after an action are horrible. I ignore them for the most part, but when the stars align just right and whatever moon turns purple in whatever star cluster, I’ll do a certain action that usually will give me some sort of acknowledgement, but when I see that it is not going as I thought, commence the spiral of thoughts.
And i hate this. Its puts a wrench my whole day. I can’t shake the thoughts that time. There are things that I think provide evidence for me feeling that way. But honestly, its all in my head. I have had low self esteem my whole life. Zits all over the face, glasses, braces…the whole 9. I’ve never seen myself as beautiful, but I do know that I hold some appeal. I am married. I have two kids. So I must have done things right up to now. None of those thoughts are true, nor do they hold weight. Yet, I cannot shake them. They torment me like they did in high school.
I will never see the worthwhile in me. I will never see myself worthy of anyone’s attention. I deflect compliments like mosquitos. I always add a ‘yeah right or ‘sure thing’ with a sarcastic tone in response to those compliments. I know that I will never believe them. How do I get rid of this? How do I change what I see in the mirror?
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