Another fight, another panic attacks. My arms are fucking ugly. I dig in really badly to calm myself down. Both my arms and now my chest. My assistant had her financee stop by with some cream he uses. Hes a police cadet and training is hard and he gets mat rash. So she brought me some aleve icy hot type stuff. I didnt say why. I just asked if anyone knows anything to like helps on skin to stop the clothes from irritating scratches so badly. And she had him bring it. When she was at lunch with him i went and used it. It burned like a mofo. I didnt really want her to see the scratches either. Its not just a few. We are talking like 30 40 dug in scratches that are clearly from my fingers. dug in and bruised.
The bruise where i fell is popping out.
T looked at them today. Hes mad. He says i should do it to him not me. Like tries to get me to dig my hands into him... But hes causing the panic attacks, and its hard... I know hes upset but its seriously the only thing that stops me from melting down entirely. Its how i can ground and center.
My boss knows. She saw and I told her about my panic attacks. She did acudetox on me today. Its ear acupuncture. My one ear hurt SO bad, the other was meh. I could have Z do it tomorrow, but two days in a row is hard on your skin. It is a needle.
Part of last night fight was me having to go over some shit things that happened in my youth, my SA and being stalked. And how that affects my life choices.
so today im in training for my manegement team and we had to cover "what would we do in x situations...) one was stalking. I ended up digging in during the meeting. I had my hand inside my shirt. Like normally. Im ok. But just having gone into it last night. reliving the phone calls... the breathing, the comments. in the name of "love and attraction" But its neither here nor there. It sucked. Normally I have very little day to day reactions. Im never alone with men. I usually lock myself in when alone. Im usually ok.. This sucked. Tomorrow Ill have to be alone with some workers. I know its "ok" but the nervous system dosent recognize knowing you are safe... or should be. Because people still get hurt in those circumstances..
Damn i keep shifting and hurting my arms... Maybe I need to find a different place... Its the scratches that hurt when something touches. But in the instance, I dont really feel pain. I do keep my nails really short so that helps. and as soon as i tear them off strssed out, I file them blunt so they arent ragged. I wash the scratches. Im not trying to hurt. I just dont know how to stop it...
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