There is a great deal of fear still to feel,
It’s in my body. It warms me. I think of my children and wonder if they are to experience hardship that even I have not known. And it scares me …
I feel sick to my stomach and close to panic and then- my mood shifts, quite suddenly.
I wonder, what they are each here for? Are they each here to face a challenge? Would I have agreed to have children knowing that they would face an immense challenge? Would I? And how would I have parented knowing that?
My own primordial fear seems to be a specific kind of interchangeability. Like I-not just me, but that even my children- could be exchanged for anyone else and it wouldn’t matter. It is quite difficult to explain because it is so irrational. Irrational things are, obviously, not rationally explicable or simply insane.
This primordial fear I experienced as a child really intensively. I imagined that I would be replaced by someone else- a completely different child. Either the replacement would have my body and act totally different, or be a completely different person. The horror I felt wasn’t in the fact that I was replaced with someone totally different with no essential identity belonging to me-it was that my parents wouldn’t care, or may even be relieved or happy to have a different child. And that they would not even notice my absence-or if they did notice, they’d pretend not to.
This is a very specific and odd primordial fear. And I never understood it at all until just now. Today.
My perspective and awareness in this fear is focused on the holistic dynamic of the group; it is not my experience which causes me such horror. It is the group perspective and their inability to percieve the essential and profoundly divine aspect of the child. My horror was in response to their blindness to my soul being; as they were blind to the soul nature of everyone, even their own soul-natures. It is really the same feeling as looking into a mother’s eyes and realizing that it isn’t human; it’s a robot. The terror and fear isn’t about myself; I intrinsically know myself to be alive and human through the very experience of horror. It’s an existential horror; feeling the grief and sadness for the parents who are incapable of percieving the beauty, goodness, divinity, livingness of themselves or anyone else. They are limited to a mechanical world while I live in deep intensity of feeling, emotion, thought, and creativity.
So to replace my mechanical body would be the only thing they’d be able to notice. My mechanical body, being just a shell, reveals nothing of my essential divine nature. I could be someone else, and they’d never notice the difference…
Today, my mom revealed to me what a revelation it was for her that I communicated to her how her actions and choices affected me. It really seemed like she was pondering it and trying to wrap her mind around it. This moment of honest revelation that she has never been able to penetrate past the mere mechanical shell rings like a confirmation that our perspectives and perceptions are totally different. That I live and perceive on a different plane than her has never been more clear.
I feel more sane. More grounded in reality when I can corroborate observations between other individuals. It seems more objective. It makes sense to me that I would percieve on a deeper level than my parents. If they can’t see, hear, taste, touch or feel everything I can, then their behavior based on a limited scope of what I can percieve makes sense. And it makes sense that I would want to limit my own perceptions in order to be able to relate to them. It would explain why I did it.
I am just more sensitive. One of the most sensitive- even taking on perceptions of other people and seeing planes that no one else can see. Sort of like there are colorblind people and people that see extra colors. There are people who see a bit more of the spectrum than “normal”.
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