of my mom for telling me that my feelings aren’t okay. That I can’t have my feelings, whatever they may be. Most especially resentful around the feelings of how her own actions and decisions impacted me.
I feel resentment and that’s okay. I’m not going to curb or stop it. Most especially just because someone doesn’t like it. It’s like feeling bad that your own toe hurts after someone intentionally stomped on it. No, thanks. I trust that my feeling is justified, and I honor my own experience.
More than that, I percieve clarity that my mom brings nothing of positive or productive value into my life. Her behavior affects me negatively. And, when I express how I feel about how she affects me, it seems that I am only stonewalled. I feel constriction in my body; an impeding of my energy that desires to express itself. I feel anxious and on edge; like every word must be managed so as not to confront or conflict with Mom’s Delicate Narrative.
Additionally, there is the loomingly absent presence of my dad. Certainly; I feel unwelcome in his company. And more certainly, I will never be the one to invite him into my presence.
I simply do not understand at all the incomprehensible sympathy that some women have for their fathers. Like my own mom, who had such sympathy for her father who treated her abominably and did appalling things to her. I know that my mom never waited for an invitation from her father. She never waited for an apology. So, she never received either. It is a distinct lack of self worth to return to an abuser without promise of changed behavior. Promises arising out of the perpetrator them self, without any kind of prompting.
So, I can never invite my dad into my life in light of the horror he caused my child, and adult, self. And, I doubt that he has any requisite conscious or ability to apologize. This puts my mom and I at odds. She’s wedded to an unrepentant abuser. An abuser of me. Something that I can never allow near me or my children.
What an awkward and unappealing dynamic. I don’t feel good when my mom is around. It’s no wonder.
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