He hurt my feelings. I stopped dreaming
What my doctor did was not neutral or harmless. He didn’t diagnose me; he was out of line. I’m only human, so it hurt. I am trying to hold space for it so it doesn’t metastasise. I need to let my nervous system metabolise this. After I wrote my entry yesterday, I went to the gym. I took one of my participants to see a movie, which is when my mood picked up. I have a lot planned for my kids this year.
I am going to return my teacher’s call and go in and see him tomorrow. He is going to give me what I missed, which I doubt is much. The first day of class is a lot of introduction to the facility. I’ll go to class on Monday. I can’t think too big right now; I can only focus on the absolute next step, which is that phone call.
You’re going to be our elder! Delphine stated. I never stated that out loud before, but that is the gist of it. I want to get my license to practice naturopathy and do my practice off a reserve, an urban reserve. They can’t touch me there, so I can teach it to my people. To all people, really. Teach them the truth about disease. I want to open a wellness centre and do my practice from there. Serve god and the truth
I am going to the pipe ceremony at work today. I am hesitant because I always get sick right after. It’s a healing ceremony, go figure. That is what healing looks like. We heal with the flu, not from the flu. The demons taught it to us backwards. As they did everything else. We used to support the symptoms.
I started a youth drum group this year for my participants. We’ve had a few practices now. I don’t know what I am doing, I’m just winging it. We have a cultural worker who is going to support us, which is great. We are bad drum carriers, my coordinator and I. I tried to save our hand drums, but couldn’t. When my coordinator inherited the program, we had some gorgeous hand drums that were dyed. Over the winter, they got really tight and cracked. I had to cut the deer hide off to try to save the frames, but they are too warped. I bought elk hide and new drum frames. Deadly expensive, but it is for the drum group. Today, we finish making hand drums with our drum circle. I only recruited four of my kids so far. I talked the kid I saw last night into it. Do I get paid? Yes! If we go out and perform, we can give them honorariums. We have our first gig next Friday. We perform four ceremony songs at a round dance. I got to get our drums done and make some ribbon shirts for these boys. The shirts are next week. I only made one in my life, but I can get someone to help.
I haven’t written much this year because I have been addicted to gaming. It’s not moral failure, it’s just triage. I am telling myself. I’m trying to be kind. I am nervous about going back to school, and my brain is a problem solver, so I been soothing myself with Skyrim and the gym. But I need to lock in, so I deleted the game.
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