This morning I felt such a loudness in my heart. It was overwhelming; literally all I could hear, all I could focus on, all I could feel. When I sat to meditate, I felt my heart like a huge vibrating gong in my chest. It was so LOUD. Compared to my normal state, I barely hear it and even when I am really listening or actually amplifying, it’s been subtle.
This was not subtle. This was an in your face gong going off over and over and over and over and yes, over again.
This was such a novel experience that I didn’t know exactly what to do. The meditation lineage I follow (Clairvision School of dr Samuel Sagan) begins the seeing process without integration of the heart center for some time. Because, they admonish, that we’ve been in a time of emotional impulsivity and awakening a strong feeling sense without a rational mind sense first is very destructive during this time. Especially when we as individuals have not cleared and purified the emotional body- the astral body- it is so full of strongly negative/destructive urges and thought-forms that upon activation of this body, one might find themselves totally defenseless against the ocean of poison which suddenly pours out of the unconscious. Anyways - the teaching is pretty clear that one should not be in any rush to activate the heart, and instead is to first activate the Eye and power of seeing. Which is then followed by the hara/power center and the activity of doing, or willing, and only after a suitable time spent both seeing and willing in our astral bodies, enough clarity and purification may have taken place after 6months to a year to finally consider the heart center; and feeling. Yet the same pitfalls still apply… It is just that perhaps by this time, the student has enough faith in their personal power to withstand the destructive urges found in their own unpurified astral body.... The things with are literally unthinkable in conscious life live in this unpurified astral body; pushed out of consciousness because of it’s unbearable quality to dwell out of sight, out of mind, in dark unconsciousness.
It dwells there only for a time, of course, as there is always inevitably some point that each human being confronts his lower astral body. Most only have that opportunity after death, when the physical is stripped away and no mechanism of separation exists to compel the unsavory away from the awareness; we are confronted, ready or not- most certainly not, if it is an involuntary confrontation after death! The astral body, having been neglected during life, is revealed to be nothing more than a chaotic mass of compartmentalized individual thought-forms, personalities, components, etc. In contrast, when a human being confronts their astral body consciously and purifies it, the astral body integrates and becomes a seamless whole. When enough of it has been purified, it transforms from chaotic globs into the spirit soul. And the spirit soul carries the human ‘I’ of that individual through death into the spiritual realms instead of it disintegrating into its thousands of unintegrated components.
So, whatever the actual state my astral body is in, I had never considered taking the step to active my heart center. But this morning it was simply too loud to ignore. I focused on my Eye, and my awareness naturally was captured similar by the loud vibration in my heart center. After some time, I succeeded in activating my Eye and I percieved in my heart a tone shift. It was instrinsic; instantaneously. I felt the insistance move into regularity; it became refined.
Immediately I felt fear/anxiety/excitement-that quickly! Instantaneous transmutation even as I felt it and saw it passing through my Eye, transform from fear to a lesser form of fear (anxiety) and then the positive expression; excitement. It happened in an instant, so intense that I jumped up from my spot on the floor and shook violently my entire body.
When I stopped, realized what I was doing, I laughed. It was hilarious! I was hilarious! I was aware of a complete absence of that particular social judgement that has plagued me the vast majority of my life. Totally absent was any thought or consideration for what anyone else might percieve, think, or feel. Not a rejection of others’ potential perception or affect upon them; but instead a certain impersonal observation of it.
The amount the freedom and joy that I feel now in recognition of separation from that social judgement part of myself, is indescribable.
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