My anxiety has been something shocking these past few days. The immediate logical thought that comes to my head is, "Why? I've got nothing to be anxious about. This makes no sense." And that is true. But mannnn it has been nagging me to all-hell, especially last night and today. When I think about it, I'm pretty sure it comes back to the whole death thing. I am sooooooo.... well I don't even think of a word to describe it - scared of it? The unknown? Not being prepared since I threw away religion when they had a problem with me being gay? It seems to be that whenever someone around me dies, especially when it comes as a shock, my body just tends to shut down, doesn't want to deal with it, pretends it hasn't happened, everything is hunky-dory. When I think about it, two immediate things have happened that have probably brought this on, besides me thinking about death way too often as it already was anyway lol, but a guy on my Facebook friends who lived in Victoria suddenly passed away about two days ago. He'd only posted about finding out that his cancer (which he thought he had beaten) had not only come back, but that it was terminal. And that was probably only around a month ago now. He'd posted that he was undergoing chemo only about three days ago now. And then a few days ago, I see on Facebook that his friends are posting RIP messages. What!? He's gone already?? I thought he had far longer! So it was a shock, and probably a bit of PTSD memory from my dad going through something similar, although thankfully he had access to miracle drugs that we're sure gave him a few extra months of life. So yeah, death and cancer again. Fucking hell. And the shock was a similar shock feeling to finding out Luke had been murdered, also via Facebook. It makes me look at my own life, realize I'm 42, and I found myself today thinking about why so many people have mid-life crisis'. Another Facebook meme today said, "The average life-span is 77. Middle age isn't 50. It's 38." I'm four years past that. Apparently most of my ancestors all went from some form of heart disease. Both my grandfathers and my dad (at least in early age) smoked like chimney's, so I've probably inherited the lungs of a coal miner. Dad went from an ultra-rare form of blood cancer, so the Big C is in my family now as well. Things aren't biding well for me LOL.
And I feeeeel old too. I got sick of my mattress making me feel stiff as a board upon waking, so I've added a mattess topper to it. Today, took overything off the bed again and slipped the mattress back to the softer side, so now it's on the soft side AND has the topper on it, so I'll see how that goes. Probably horrid for my back in the long run, but I've always liked softer mattresses. The idea of leaving it on the medium side is that apparently that's what hotels do - they use a firm mattress with a topper on top, and they have always felt amazing. Upon trying it myself, that hasn't worked. I quite often wonder if I'll still be mobile at 70, if I feel how I do now haha.
And I'm taking the statins again. I got too paranoid with all this family history that can kill me, and my doctor saying if I don't, I'll have a stroke. Still watched heaps of videos on it, and I'm still wary of them, and I also know that a side-effect of them IS muscle/bone soreness, so that's more than likely contributing to how I'm feeling. I assume at some point, I'll watch some more videos and go off of them again, and probably just take them periodically instead, in a vain attempt to deter a stroke. I just know I hated not having any left at all and getting paranoid each time I had a pain in my temple or something, thinking, "Am I having a stroke right now?" So yeah, that's where I'm at with those.
I'm still gymming well. With my anxiety how it has been, I've been making myself go. I also went for a long walk this morning to Hamilton Wharf. It was overcast, so it was a good opportunity to do it, although I've realised since getting home that I've actually still gotten quite sunburnt. Damn Summer. And the heat radiating from the sunburn on both upper arms (I was wearing a singlet) so quite something, probably adding to my discomfort and setting off even more anxious thoughts.
But yeah, to me, that would make sense where this anxiety is coming from. Brett's sudden passing. My parents always said getting older that they were attending more and more funerals. And then it was my dad's turn. Soon it'll be my turn. Who knows when.
I'm also still reading my book about death, which is interesting, but obviously morbid. I find I can't read too much of it at once, as it's just depressing, but I am liking the parts about living more. I'm up to a bit that went quite over my head, trying to make sense of it, about the seven types of memory or something, how six of them go with us when we die, but apparently one of them stays. I dunno. I don't think anyone truly knows what happens when we die, if anything. I'll probably just drop dead on the ground in a heap one day and that'll be it.
By the way, if that actually happens to me tomorrow, can someone say at my funeral, "Ha! He told you so!"
Anyway, I just want to get through this rough-patch. I found myself thinking, "Can people just stop dying so I can calm down, please?" lol. I don't think life works like that unfortuantely.
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