None of this is the husbands fault. Its my own mental load.
We onboarded 4 interns today. I now have 20 interns. Maybe more. I SHOULD count them. Its a lot.
My work bestie came back from mat leave today. And one of our remote managers came in for the week for orientation and onboarding.
I had my performance review. I grade myself down and she argues me up lol. Honestly im great at my job and while sometimes I struggle with my task load. Part of it is my fault and I need to delegate better ( last years goal) BUT part of it is just things that cant be handled by other people.
My goals for this year. A. Spend 1 hour per week or every other week at each location. Comes to 3-4 hours per week if i go every other week. One hour at our remote location a week is a must and has been going on for 18 months. I didnt feel like it was doing much till I didnt have the car and everyone kept asking our receptionist where I was and she had to remind everyone I had no car. So I figure it was making more impact then I thought. B. Take some additional HR training. I already have a certificate as an HRM ( Human resource manager) But I wouldent mind some other things. If we do end up moving in a few years, I want to beef out my resume. Although office director for 7 locations, direct supervisor for 7 people and general manager of over 50, plus HR, Payroll, and more. Is pretty appealing. I can ALWAYS learn more. I can get a TON of free CE's in therapy lmao. I already have multiple CE certificates for different therapies. But they are "useless" without the degree itself. In any event. And my last goal is to further streamline/simplify my onboarding processes. Currently as sole HR onboardering management. It can take me anywhere from 6-10 hours to fully set up and onboard a new staff member. Including setting up laptops, phone back end, back end EHR and then appointments with them. Just lots of stuff. CAN I simplify. Combine paperwork. Part of what I want to do with ADP is research their integrated HR stuff and see if we can find ways to do our forms there too.
I found one error, forgot to issue a raise, and figured out how to fix it AND make sure it wont happen again. Before reporting the error. AND let the people know they will be getting a "bonus" on their next check which will reflect the back payments on the raise they should gave got. Simple. Fixed. Like I said, before you know there is a problem. Ill have a solution.
And if I dont, I will fast. Thats my goal.
I jumped in a therapy appt to talk about my mom. We talked about wants vs needs. What classifies a want vs a need. Like do I NEED to go see my mom if she needs surgery. I told her, I go into D mode and take over ( Dominant) I need to know, need to be addressed, need my questions answered. Need to drive things. Not because I just WANT info. But because I am the driver. Ill drive everything and I dont think my family can handle that. I dont sit back and cry softly paralyzed... I dominate and drive. Its why im good at my job... But do I NEED to go...
She said the difference between want and need. You WANT info. If you want to ACT on info, it becomes a need. You WANT things, If you want to do something WITH it, it becomes a need. Im not sure I fully agree. But Ill go with it.
My thing is... Real introspection. I have a lot of rejection from my family. From being parentified at a young age. Being responsible for a sister, born when I was 13. Mom working to support us, stepdad ( sisters bio) in jail. Being replaced by said bio kid. She got to go on my promised senior trip with my mom. Not me.. Then they moved and STILL live with my sister ( in her late 20s now) and Shes never moved out. She moved her POS husband and his kids in. And then us moving here to be close and them moving over to Michigan and living with my sister still. Like they stay in a camper. They COULD come here too. We never mind. But they dont... And I dont want to say... Do you want me to come there? Because they will just say no, its fine, sister is here. Or you dont need to bother. And it feels like more rejection. Ive worked So hard at being strong and living without family. Just T and his mom. That I HATE the idea of feeling so needy.
She said im disassociating my feelings form the situation as protection and while its ok in the short term ( I dont have the full info story, we dont know when surgery is) its not good long term and I have to feel all that. I start to, and want to cry and lock it back down.
Ive gotten good at locking stuff down in the past few whatevers... But yeah.. She said its fine for now lol. Maybe when I get more info Ill feel more.
Also the addressing one's own mortality. Shes like embrace that you will die... And live.
I know. I do.... dosent stop the fear.
Fear is anxiety amplified.
Logic, I can apply logic.
Time for dinner.
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