External structure, clear expectations, social accountability, and defined beginning/end. This is what my anchors are made of. ADHD struggles with undefined time, open hours, no consequences, no observers, and no clear done. I felt suspended in animation during my two weeks off. It wasn’t structured. ADHD wait mode, it happens when something future-based is looming, but nothing present-based is demanding attention. The pause on my system lasted two weeks, which is the longest this mode has ever been stretched.
I need to build a system around my interests. A system that creates external rhythm, start/stop triggers, context switching, accountability, and a containment of time. It will fix the container problem, not the motivation problem. I was very aware of this when I went back to work. It was like a somatic release. Someone hit the unpause button.
Building anchors shouldn’t be too hard. I can’t motivate myself to work out at home, so I go to the gym. Simple as that. I can do my studies at school or at a library. My side quest podcast thing? I can work on that at a cafe or something.
Today, I registered for my courses. I start Feb. 3rd. The mental battle I just went through… to get myself to do that made my system crash. It was like watching myself be possessed. I had the self-awareness to witness my self-sabotage in real time. I am trying to be kind to myself about it. This is not a moral failure.
I see my family doctor next month also. I am going to try ADHD meds. I don’t know if I will commit to them, but I have nothing to lose.
A little self-assessment… I had entries upon entries about my deepest fear being me back in school. Nobody talked about anxiety when I was a kid, let alone social anxiety. I understand now what that really was. I figured the gym was a good place to start pushing my comfort zone. I failed that one, but went back to school in the end. Everything was fine, until it wasn’t. I fell behind, and I couldn’t bring myself to catch up. That is when I learned I had ADHD. That battle was ADHD task paralysis. That executive dysfunction is only natural when your body doesn’t have dopamine. I will try the stimulant route this time.
Today I was stuck in my head, again. I treat everything like it is a problem to be solved. I’m never truly present. This stimulant route might fix that.
Anyway, after I learned the hard way that I no longer fit my favourite clothes, I decided to measure myself. I used to do this, but I couldn’t find my old records. I stopped a few years ago. As I wrote the current measurements down, the old ones came back to me. I really did put on mass. Be careful what you wish for. It’s like I’m going through a growth spurt. I’m 40! I shouldn’t be surprised. I was 145lbs the last time I was tracking it. I’m just under 180lbs now.
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