Did I miss self-reflection season?
I haven’t written all year. Hell must have frozen over. My city did, at least. My holiday is finally over. It was two weeks of ADHD wait mode, I concluded. I accomplished very little over my two-week break. The break was too long. I just wanted to go back to work. On my way home from work, on my first day back, I almost cried happy tears. I could feel the somatic release from having an anchor again. Work being my anchor. ADHD wait mode is like being stuck in a void, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Nothing exists in that space.
I will play with this concept of an anchor sometime soon.
I want to do less complaining; that is my only New Year’s resolution. Less complaining about my roommate and my coordinator, that is. These are people that I love and respect, at the end of the day.
The novelty of my new gym has worn off. Because it is senior-centric, there is not much downtime during the day. It’s always busy, and I find the seniors so obnoxious. They’re always talking. I thought I could handle the change room situation, but I cannot. I do it anyway. There is a hot yoga studio that I will be doing drop-ins at, only because I need to see attractive people. Sorry that I’m shallow.
My gut health feels worse. I basically look skinny fat. The discomfort of it is one thing, but it is triggering some body dysmorphia. My eating habits are in ADHD wait mode now, too. I see my naturopath later this month. The day after that, my dietitian. Then the week after that, my family doctor. I’ll get him to run any bloodwork that my naturopath wants me to run. I am driving out to a different town for this naturopath; she better be worth it. If I end up with an idiot that functions like Big Pharma but with supplements, I’m going to just give up on humanity as a whole. I am going to try ADHD medication, also. That is another reason I am going to see my family doctor. I am just curious to see if it will make a difference. My roommate claims she functions better on hers, but I disagree.
I saw a story that a woman shared on TikTok. Long story short, she showed footage over two days of her interacting with her son. The day without stimulation, she was very much like me when I am with kids. The day with the stimulant, she was so much more engaged with him by a lot. It made my heart melt to see that difference. I want to be present in my life.
I want to do a 5-day fast again soon. I couldn’t even manage one day over my break. I’m not beating myself up over it.
My ADHD and comorbidities are at a higher setting. I didn’t register for those courses. They didn’t start yet; there is time. I’m just sick to my stomach about it. School sucks. I still have trauma from the last attempt. I gotta push through it though. I will go there on Monday and bite the bullet!
When I got back to work, my coordinator went all-in on love-bombing me. He decorated my office with birthday stuff. He bought me a massive bag of movie theatre popcorn. Found a place that makes gluten-free vegan cake. Everyone came and sang happy birthday to me. It was nice. Touching, even.
But yes, I’m back at work. I’m back with my kids. Our new hire has all of her background checks, and we can officially function as normal now. Haven’t been able to do that since September. It was just me. I was working hard to try to make sure that my program’s presence wasn’t too small in these kids’ lives. We took some of them to a Jets game last night. We won, ending a long losing streak. Today, we take them ice fishing. So not vegan of me.
Tomorrow evening, I have a big dinner planned. I just turned 40. Nobody at work believes me. I have to show them my ID. Late twenties to early thirties is what people think I am. I look young to them. Tell that to my hairline! I say. I had a follow-up with that hair loss specialist. It did get worse. I knew it did; I had a few shedding phases. I’m Mr. I-need-to-save-money, but then made a 2k purchase for my hair. I don’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t a compulsive purchase. I was a discerning customer. It was 50% off, so it was time-sensitive. It will arrive any day now.
What is your problem? My gut health is why I am falling apart. My version, thereof. Stress is the main culprit. That vagus-gut connection is killing me. It is what is going to have to save me in the end. I need to calm down, literally. This schooling will make things so much worse unless I can manage my stress levels. We already knew that, it’s all I talk about, really.
Anyway, I needed to write just to write. I chickened out and couldn’t bring myself to invite Jonah to my birthday. (He’s my crush.) I found it hard to talk to him, which is weird because I’m loquacious as fuck. We hosted a pipe ceremony on Thursday, and I went to work early, knowing he would be there for that. He wouldn’t miss it for the world. It’s not too late, maybe I will text him later today.
Blah! Got to run.
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