I feel like I’m just crawling out of my grave. Last week, I was bedridden from inflammation. The gut is one thing, but when it hits my brain, I turn into lead. Once I stop moving, I feel unable to move again.
I checked out a wellness centre that I forgot existed. It is down the road. I checked out all the other gyms in my area, but forgot about this one. I love my gym, I really do, but they lack in amenities. This wellness centre has all the equipment I need, which is great. The other ones had their equipment so compact you couldn’t walk between them. I am looking for a sauna or steam room, which they had, but it wasn’t worth it. One was the same price as I was paying, the other one was way too expensive. This wellness centre has a whirlpool connected to the locker room and a steam room. Their membership includes all their classes and one free health assessment a year. It has a lap pool and an indoor track. It’s only double the price I am already paying. Their enrollment fee is predatory, naturally. $99 to enrol because the enrollment process is very hard work. They have a promo right now that I took advantage of. That enrolment fee was only $25, so I jumped on it.
Needless to say, I’ve been a bit of a gym rat. That steam room was the icing on the cake for me. Warmth, just warmth. I live in one of the coldest cities on the planet. Our summers are scorching, but not indoors because everyone is obese and needs the AC to work overtime. I can’t catch a break.
This is where the entry takes a weird turn.
I don’t know which autism I have, but I overthink a lot when it comes to social situations. Maybe he’s born with it? Maybe it’s a trauma response. My nervous system is assessing the environment, looking for threats. Orientating. Always. All seniors are write-offs. I don’t make the rules. They’re not in my psyche at all. They don’t register as threats. The centre is very senior. When I’m at my other gym, I feel more invisible there. Not at this new gym, but that’s probably just in my head. Maybe? Because of trauma, masculine energy does not feel safe. That is another problem. I feel like, when I cross paths with the younger guy-folk there, I feel like they try to make eye contact with me. I keep my head down and stay in my own little world. Then I feel tension that probably doesn’t even exist. When I was in the steam room yesterday, the guys just started talking to me. I don’t know how to people. Let alone bro. I’m not complaining. I’m just saying.
I suppose I should do a reflective entry later. Year-end and all. I feel horrible about how much of my holiday was wasted. I need to be kinder to myself. It is a holiday, so I can relax. It doesn’t have to be work.
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