X-Men Reference Aside, I am slightly concerned about a… common thing for me in the winter. I don’t think I can blame the new bed for this because this is… again common for me in winter… but with ice and temperature fluctuation and temperatures bouncing around from 32 F (0 C) to 7 F (-13.88 C) all week.... I haven’t been able to sleep. Which also means my body pain has been spiraling. Right now it isn’t in my legs yet… but it is in my arms, chest, and neck. The insomnia isn’t great either!
Today’s office environment is… shall we say polarized? Half of the office is approaching today like a party day… blasting music, shouting loudly, swearing openly, running around the hallways discussing social life and personal stuff. Meanwhile, half of the office is approaching today like a needed prep day… shutting their doors, focusing on preparing for upcoming trials, making phone calls and reviewing evidence. Then there’s me. HI! It’s me! My docket never shuts down. Y’all enjoy your “extra days before 2026 starts”. I have 94 hearings today. Which, yes, is less than the several hundred… so… kind of a “Hardest Working Docket Break” because..... I mean, that’s still 94 hearings! At least today. Tomorrow, I have 13 hearings. Which, again, considering I’ve been having up to 80 hearings or more on some Wednesdays… yeah, that is a significantly reduced number!!! But therein lies the humor and the work balance. Half of the Office thinks “No obligations- PARTY!” Half of the Office thinks “No obligations- time to catch up!” and me? I’m solidly in the “No rest for the wicked, I have hearings I need to prepare for and the hearings themselves to attend!”
All the while I can’t quite shake this feeling of loneliness. It’s… compound. Because of course I feel a sense of loneliness in the job. While it is true, I have co-workers now which… has not always been true… I am frequently reminded that- this is a Department of One. Nobody to bounce off of; nobody to cover when needed; nobody to make sure the work continues if I’m not here. Which is particularly ridiculous because… if I were to simply suddenly drop dead tonight? The office would make do and the work would continue with people remarking on the inconvenience but not claiming replacement would be impossible. Meanwhile, last night, we did a “If you’re in the show and want to work on lines or hang out, come to the Coffee Shop across the street from the theater!” and the only people that showed up were me and the College Student (22 years old). Everyone else had plans with friends or family or were out of state with friends or family. And that’s… “hey, we open in 4 weeks. Anyone free to work?” Looking back at 2025 and seeing how… empty of actual Friend Interactions just… says something. And I know… it is harder to make friends as an adult. ESPECIALLY anything like Age Appropriate Friends because.... what? I hang out at the bar trying to flirt with and make friends with the 20 somethings… or I engage in politics and church and make friends with the 60 and 70 year olds. The 30 year olds seem to… either be focusing on their careers or their children. That said… I am going to try to figure something out so that I can make friends or see friends in 2026. Perpetual loneliness actually breeds more loneliness. People want someone easy going and jovial. Isolation does not create that kind of atmosphere. The psychological ramifications of social isolation are profound and multifaceted. It can lead to a host of mental health issues, like depression or anxiety. Or, in my case, increased depression or anxiety. Isolation can intensify feelings of worthlessness and sadness. Particularly unfortunate with isolation influencing anxiety in my sphere? Anxiety is often accompanied by heightened stress levels. People may find themselves caught in a cycle of negative thoughts and a cumulative heightened stress loop. Pre-existing stress is heightened, isolation enhances further, and the external sources heightening the isolation further heighten the anxiety. It can be a constantly growing tower of stress. Moreover, loneliness can exacerbate existing mental health disorders. Not only pre-existing depression and anxiety; but anything that may have already been an issue. Whether that is ADHD, autism, OCD, paranoia.... isolation simply amplifies what is already in your brain. And it is a perfect loop. An isolated person has difficulty engaging with people and therefore becomes more isolated making it even more difficult to engage with people therefore deepening the isolation making it even more difficult to engage with people therefore deepening the isolation ad infinitum! I don’t exactly know how to recover from this tailspin, all things considered, but I know I need to spend time trying in 2026!
It’s funny… and maybe this directly relates back to “What’s wrong with me” but people would often say, “You’re not going to look back and wish you’d played more video games!” and… they’re wrong but not just because, just like books, there’s always more to explore. I have some significant positive memories tied into certain games so that… playing those games, if I could in the modern era, reconnects me to those past moments. Now, some games can be replayed easily. Others cannot. But....
I think back to the RTS burst: Starcraft 1 and DLC.... Total Annihilation
I think back to the FPS focus: Duke Nukem and online levels developed by fans… Quake
I think back to the Broken Games that were still fun: Knights of the Old Republic, Vampire the Masquerade Bloodlines
I think back to Ambient Dungeon Crawlers like Diablo
I think about when I would get PC Gamer Magazine or various Gamer Magazines that had a demo disc in every issue.... a host of video games to try in a nominal way and, frequently, digital bikini photos. I tested and loved so many games from those demos that I knew I could never buy, I could never play the actual game, and just replayed the demos over and over again.
I think back to the NEW era, where Consoles were more GAMING than PCs.... Halo: Combat Evolved, Fable, Madden NFL, SSX Tricky, Bloodrayne, Time Splitters
I think to the games that I followed from PC to Console: Jedi Knight and its iterations being foremost.
I think back to staying up late with friends playing Mario Kart and Crusin’ USA and Goldeneye 007.
I remember and miss couch co-op and couch multiplayer. Yeah, the gaming company didn’t get to sell 4 consoles, 4 controllers, 4 games, and 4 membership subscriptions.... but there was more JOY and ENJOYMENT in the gaming experience. I guess that’s my nostalgia here. 1995 to 2003. The memories, the times, the experiences.... it was a world that would be almost unrecognizable to those born after 2000. Before greed, fear, smart phones, and social media mercilessly conquered every abstract realm of existence. Where a character like Spyro was sufficient for a game franchise.... where a game like Conker’s Bad Fur Day was possible to make and be seen as edgy… where a character like Earthworm Jim could not only build a gaming franchise but could also wrangle a TV show.... where playing a silly game of heavily armed worms trying to kill each other with your friends was a fun evening together.
Yeah. I was never brilliant at making friends. I wanted to read and do theater and play video games and play pool. I hoped that I could get a girlfriend at some point. In some respects, I suppose, not a whole lot has changed. But… as everything becomes more soulless, more inequal, more cannibalistic - be productive, turn a profit for Corporate Overlords, or die..... you don’t see a lot of those Nickle Arcades where you can play Soul Edge with your friends as much… would be the metaphorical conclusion there.
I was watching some Stand Up Comedy during my lunch and.... I think this is one of those key “I may always fail at interpersonal” elements. Because I have been funny in my life. I may be funny again in my life. But right now? The world is burning down, American Democracy may be on its last moments, and I get to experience The Worst of the World in mostly social isolation. It is hard to be funny there!
But… actor and writer so.... I know that I can build something that SEEMS like a stand up bit. I can’t guarantee funny; but if I read it a certain way… it would sound like a stand up bit… even if it is one where I’m dying.
BIT
So, I’m the product of a Family Business and growing up- it was always so impossible to tell other kids what that was. My father runs the non-foods division of the food brokerage business his father ran and his father’s father started. Even shortening that sounds like a computer glitch- He’s a non-food food broker. Ultimately, it was just easier to say Professional Middleman. D’you ever wonder how Crest Toothpaste winds up at Wal Mart? Well, for decades a food broker would have clients (like Colgate) and broker a deal with the grocery chain (like Kroger) that would take care of costs, profit, quantity all of that. I start here because I’m on the dating apps and there’s something.... truly bizarre about this. Because in the 90s and 00s, my Dad had to shutter the business his dad and his dad’s dad worked in. There was this push to eliminate Middle Men. Why don’t the companies just deal directly with the grocery stores?! We can save so much money by NOT having knowledgeable and experienced people helping us! So… from that perspective, I guess you could say I got to watch the kinds of brains that are running the country right now. But there was this huge push to get rid of middle men from business… where a middle man may actually be useful. Now, fast forward to today and these dating apps? Where we’ve commodified the very idea of meeting another human being? It’s like we took handfuls of cash and wandered out into cyber space saying, “I’m trying to find a middle man! Please, can someone take this money in exchange for introducing me to people?” But, of course, it’s a for profit business. Which means if they do their job WELL, they run out of customers. NO BUSINESS in the United States has a business model of let’s run out of customers. They actually program obsolescence into things that work because selling you a thing that actually works doesn’t satisfy American Greed anymore. So… every dating app is designed to keep you as a customer. So, I’m approaching it from two decades of watching America try to get rid of the Middle Man… only to see millions walking around looking for a middle man to take their money for the opportunity of being rejected. And I’m guilty of this, too. I’ve paid… too much… to dating apps. It’s like I was thinking being rejected for free feels like too much of a privilege. Is there a way I could pay a completely unrelated party in an effort to experience financial loss at being rejected? I mean… I’m white, cis, mostly heterosexual… being rejected for FREE is… just way too much privilege! I have a moral obligation to pay a corporation to provide me the opportunity for strangers I’ve never met to tell me that they never want to meet me. I mean… that’s where we are in society, I guess.
END BIT
You can see how there might be the structure of a joke there but nothing actually funny in the whole thing.
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