They compare ADHD executive dysfunction to putting your hand on a hotplate. Your brain will hesitate as it senses danger. It’s more like jumping out of a plane to skydive. The more you hesitate, the higher the plane gets, which makes you hesitate even more.
I was bedridden for most of my holiday so far. I swear every inch of me turned into lead. My nervous system crashed out. Now that I am crawling my way out of that, I can see that I feel like a trapped animal. My nervous system is scared to move.
I intend to register for the two courses I failed two years ago. That is what is triggering me. I fell behind when I had the flu. I couldn’t bring myself to catch up. That is the executive dysfunction. That is when I learned I have ADHD. I held on to the bitter end and let myself fail those courses. Now I’m two years behind, as I have forgotten everything. I’m not skydiving from a plane anymore. I’m jumping out of a rocket from outer space.
Deep down, I know I will remember and catch on quickly. I have all of the material. I have all of my study cards. I have everything I need to succeed here. I just need to start. With this dopamine deficiency, starting is the hard part. My Stan on here saw it all as a moral failure, which is how I saw it before I experienced that executive dysfunction again. I’m still traumatised by it. Sky-high anxiety and soul-crushing depression were part of that package deal. I don’t know a better way to explain this experience.
If you’re someone who thinks something is stupid when you don’t understand it, just lash out. It will make you feel better.
My ADHD symptoms are worse than ever now because of this impending doom. Every single task overwhelms me. This makes me cleave to my vices even harder. I’m trying really hard not to let this ADHD demon touch my wallet.
Speaking of inner demons, someone gave me an idea that just might work. Self-negotiating. It plays on the idea that my therapist gave me last year about having an inner family system, of sorts. A part of me that is a child, a part of me that is an addict, etc. The idea of self-negotiating between them is pretty self-explanatory.
I have my 40th Birthday on Jan 6th. The 12th day of Christmas. I feel pressure to have a big birthday celebration, but I would rather treat myself to a day alone at a spa. There is a spa here that does Hamam, which is expensive. I have no business spending money on it. I honestly feel like I’ve outgrown everyone in my life. I don’t want to spend time with them, which is hard to say.
I have stage 3 wanderlust also. My ADHD craves novelty. I am starting a 5-day fast today, so this is going to suck. I’m basically bedridden again. I don’t love myself. This makes my brother’s offer to move out to BC with him even more tempting.
Come to think of it, this episode of being bedridden created a lot of space from everyone and everything. I can see everything from a safe space now. I really do feel like I am outgrowing my city. I haven’t told anyone about this. I don’t want their input on this. It will pollute it.
Anyway, I really seem to have a need for a sauna or steam room. I have been shopping around for a new gym that has both of those. There is a wellness centre down the road that has everything I want and then some. It’s very senior, but I’m going to be a senior in gay years in 10 days, so why not? Next weekend I will check it out.
Yup, not much going on. I would rather have these problems than any others, so… a wins a win.
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