Everything is happening for me and not to me.
Even this. Even this. Even this feeling of frustration, humiliation and loneliness is for me. How can I perceive it as such? How can I meet it productively and be in that place of realization that I only needed to feel it once?
I began recapitulating my past encounters, especially with men and certain types of people who made a lasting negative impression on me. Interactions that left me in a state of raw negativity. Even now I find myself wondering what in the world I gained from those interactions. But, of course for someone with no self worth, there didn’t need to be anything representing my own value for me to participate. It was just the way things were- I was trained and groomed into caring and giving and humoring whomever, whenever, even and especially if it meant going against my own self interest.
I feel as one on the cusp; on a brink of enormous possibilities. Behind is the solid ground of jagged known crappy terrain and before me- pure potential. The unknown. The inconceivable. I relish it. I delight in the unknown. I fly on the updraft of what-might-be and soar through the winds of enigma.
Energy and positivity charge me into bright optimism. Yet it is not exactly optimism. That isn’t a strong enough word. What I feel is far more concrete than optimism. I have, as if a steady foundation rock, Equanimity, and now, a universal human affection. It is so lovely and empowering to be with and in this universal affection. For it means, really, that I love everyone universally. I have love them, unconditionally and without regard for their particular paper mask. I love them genuinely, and that comes itself with a kind of protection from them. That paper mask isn’t necessarily pleasant or preferable. But it is capable of precisely zero harm to me.
You know, I think that’s why I don’t really like Jesus. Haha. What a sacrilegious thing to say. But it’s true. I don’t like the man. I find it difficult to know who he is and why people give him deity status. Especially after the most common and well known stories are precisely about Jesus as an all-loving and sinless man dying at the hands of ignorant people in service to the social order. What could be more destructive to the message?
I suppose that is just how the cookie crumbles.
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