I can see how and why my life has played out in exactly the way that it has. The realization of Ruthlessness- of having no pity- has opened my eyes to seeing every one of my own choices without pity.
I chose Patience for all of these years. Even when 17 years ago I chose to not see, I chose Patience. I needed to really steep in it. To really marinate. I chose to learn Patience all through those many years and even when the learning seemed to stretch time itself into inconceivable dimensions. In that time I was learning Patience, I revolved around the concept and feeling of Pity. In a very real sense, I needed Patience to work in and through this Pity state. This Pity feeling. This Pity, which to be resonant with necessitates a certain splitting off of my own consciousness. To be resonant with Pity, I needed, as in it is a law of physics that, I split off from myself a Tyrant, a Victim and a Third; either Rebel or Savior. Sometimes it was Rebel, and sometimes it was Savior.
My realization of the fact that I have mastered Patience is the sudden and clear presence of this Ruthlessness. This state of No Pity. This Ruthlessness reveals to me each and every facet of my being which acted, separately, as Tyrant, Victim, and Savior/Rebel. The allowance and permission I gave myself to enter into this split was my own choice to learn and master Patience. To remain there as long as necessary to become a master; someone who not only has Patience, but can put it away and pull it out at a whim and use it as a tool according to my Will.
This place of No Pity Ruthlessness is cold. It’s chilly. But clear. It is hard and unforgiving, but absolutely glorious. It’s like a white light. Like silvery moonlight. Cool. Metallic. Hard. Rendering shadows as blackness itself.
More, a hard and Ruthless perspective lends itself to my perception of others. One’s story of his struggle with divorce, living technically homeless and having to live in his parent’s home while having custody of his son, leaves me with zero pity. I feel compassion. I feel admiration that he would choose such a challenge for himself. But, no pity. There is instead, a kind of steely cold cable stretched taught- connecting his current struggle to his choice to face it, and to attain the treasures which lay beyond, should he be the victor.
There is too, this steely cold cable in children’s lives. It is there in “disabled” people’s lives. It is there in ‘victims’ of war, famine, illness, and all or any manner of hardship. They are themselves doing exactly what I did. They create for themselves the challenges they need to attain the treasures that they wish to attain through victory over these challenges.
It occurs to me that challenge-struggle-failure/victor is not a necessary paradigm in which to learn. But it does seem that it is a particularly potent one which is pushed through every belief system that we have. It crowds out and replaces the space for other ways.
But, this is just a dream… whoo!
I am experiencing a lot of disorientation. A lot of spinning. A lot of I don’t know what is happening right now. Who am I, again? Why do I want to do that, again? Did I? Is that right? I woke up this morning and wasn’t really sure what to do. Do I really want to live without these challenges? I asked myself. Am I capable of that? My fear and uncertainly was not about the facts. My fear and uncertainty is about my own desires. My own capacities. My own ability to direct and create my own excitement for the rest of my life.
I mean. That seems quite egotistical. But yes. Yes.
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