20 minutes but it had been 2 hours.
2 hours that I spent dreaming in the bathtub. And writing that dream down.
I’m staring at the page right now. It seems surreal. Somehow more than real. Like this world is the dream. And what I thought were fantasies is the real world.
It doesn’t need to be one or the other. And I think that is hat might breaking my physical brain. I am reminded that it’s not up to my physical brain to hold and maintain and understand all of reality. That’s not what it’s for.
I saw a particularly ruthless perspective of myself. I suddenly had several insights and bases of knowledge. 1. That every single time I had this experience, I was splitting off a parallel reality. 2. That I could see at least 2 of my own parallel selves and what they were doing. 3. Love is not freedom, but a duty.
I remembered every - or at least a few hundred- instances where I felt this feeling. In ever instance I saw my own death. Or destruction, or mutilation that would certainly lead to my death. I felt jolted. To realize that I chose to live but… That another parallel did not.
As well as at least as many life altering decisions in which I felt this feeling. Life splitting decisions. Several in particular came into sharp focus. I recognize now the stories, or the voices, or the entity, that I believed. How I believed that dream and thought that dream was the real world. Then, as now, it was as if I suddenly became lucid in that dream. I suddenly knew it was a dream. And yet, this version of me chose to reify. I chose to deepen this dream, to vow and swear to it and to promise continuance. A parallel version did not. She left this dream and continued on in another parallel one.
I am choosing. I suddenly realize with total, mind numbing clarity. I just don’t remember choosing, because this is a dream, and in a dream, one hardly ever realizes that they are in fact, dreaming. One hardly ever has access to their daily waking consciousness in dreams.
And I sat there, in the bathtub, for 2 hours.
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