My coordinator gave me a hug before we left work yesterday. Well, it’s been a year. He said to me. We start our holidays. I felt melancholy after that, on my drive through a storm to my friend’s house. I was thinking about Jimmy, the participant of ours who passed away at the end of the summer. I was picturing his little face. I could remember his little voice. His obnoxious laugh. Then his little body in that casket. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him.
This song came on, which didn’t help, but it is okay. I am okay with making space for this. I will be thinking about his family on Christmas.
I had a restless night. My dreams kept waking me up. Some were about school. I have anxiety about it. It doesn’t feel like I am starting the courses over, that I failed. It feels like I am still in it. In one dream, someone reminded me of a song I used to like, so I woke straight up and grabbed my phone to look it up. Only, it doesn’t exist. It felt so real. I can picture the music video, but it isn’t real.
My two-week holiday starts today. I feel like I have to go do a million things. I do not. I have to muster up a lot of courage, however. Push through the pain of pursuing my hopes and dreams. All the shit I have on the back burner. Capricorn season is coming. My favourite. I’m biased, I am a Capricorn. I have all the ambition of a Capricorn, but all the starting power of a Taurus, my rising. Then my Scorpio moon tortures me about it.
Last night I went to Bev’s after work. I made us all Thai curry, and then she helped me make a character for D&D. I’m going to learn how to play it with her sons.
Anyway, I don’t have any structure for my day, let alone my holiday, so I should get my poop in a group.
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