I wish I had the energy to write about so much taht has happened. But frankly im not sure I want to remember a lot anyway...
its been a SHIT three months. My husband went into a nasty downward spiral that finally hit a breaking point about 2 weeks ago. It resulted in me having several panic attacks due to his constant emotional and psychological battering to where, I was on the verge of loosing it. I couldent handle one more thing and I told him that and it triggered that last panic attack. I was self harming to get out of the panic attacks. I still have bruises and deep gouges in my arms from where I dug my hands in. Thankfully its winter so I can keep on longer sleeves. But the last one I had finally kicked him out of his shit. Hes been in therapy and his therapist and our couples therapist kinda handed him his ass back to him about his behavior and its helped. So far, its been an ok 1.5 weeks ish. It dosent mean he wont slip, I think he just FINALLY saw the damage he was doing. And its not the easy to undo kind.. Its the years to undo kind. Im in therapy too and I like my therapist. Speaking of I need to make an appt with her... Maybe get in for couples too, even though things feel better right now. Its not perfect. It hit him with both the couples therapist and his asking him, what fights do I start... What do i ask for... what does he think I want.. and he couldent really give any good answers.. I dont start fights, i dont ask for things, im hyper independent... The last panic attack made him really see what he was doing to me, but also that he was in the wrong.
We finally heard back from hyundai on my car. They refused to honor the warrenty because they said I had a tracker installed... The dealer installed a lojack device on it and they said that is why they didnt consider it a defect. So we took the insurance's deal and gave ownership of the car to them.
Just waiting on the settlement from them now.
We went to test drive a LOT of cars. Gosh I did 2 hondas, 2 toyotas, a gmc, a buick, i feel like im missing some things. But I finally settled on a Lexus NX350. Surprisingly affordable ( in budget) and frankly just a smidge under some of the things like the gmc and the buick. I did consider going to Denver to see an infinity and an alfa romeo. BUT i didnt want that to be my goal either. I wanted to get something as inexpensive but the reality was. the features I wanted, They arei nhyundai and I had to look elsewhere. I really did want a tucon but with the way the manufacture claimed, I wasnt really comfortable going with another one. maybe its pride. idk. I would have preferred a hybrid but that added 10k. They only had the higher level trims, but in the end. I got a green car, and I got the features I wanted. The price is a big steep and my monthly is higher then I wanted. It helps that both T and I have credit scores over 800 but still.
Im a bit wired from buying the car and I know im going to crash, Im running on 4 hours of sleep and adderall today. But I strung a bunch of garland. I dried orange slices and am doing red and natural beads to mimic cranberries. The oranges smell good. I may add in cinnamon sticks. idk. We will see. But its 10 pm so i should go get in the shower and go to bed.. Because frankly its going to hit soon.
Im just sitting here going, I finally have my own car again. Its one less thing. T is being more mindful and smart about his reactions and attacks. We are talking things through instead of him fighting everything and throwing EVERYTHING ive ever done in my life back at me... Seriously 22 years ago.. I was a CHILD Literallly 17.... But things are going better... Waiting on the last settlement from the insurance for the santa fe and then that whole chapter will be DONE.
about to go rampage in my house about cleaning shit and throwing it away... im so over this...
Got my old office moved to my new office. Going to spend a lot of time cleaning and organizing it...
Got to hold my work besties 2 months old. That was great.
Anyway, im going to go crash out. Maybe i will sleep for like 10 hours and FINALLY feel rested now that im closing this hellish chapter....
2 deaths, plus all this shit, car, relationship. Im just ready for a quiet calm ,everything.
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