I woke up with a profound realization and memories that I haven’t had access to in 17 years.
I woke up and remembered the moment that I wished away my ability to see energy and spirit. I wished it away, and with it even the memory of having seen was gone. All of it was gone from my awareness since then.
I didn’t know exactly why I came out here for this retreat. Just that I’d been told to go. Go to Sedona. Go to this Dreaming shamanic retreat. Now I know why. I needed this jump of energy to remember. I needed to learn the sacred passes that would give me energy and protect my energy in order to move my assemblage point. Once it moved back to the place it had been 17 years ago and before, I perceive the memories from that time. Most of childhood is here, too.
I feel so much power in this methodology and paradigm. There is truth in it. And genuine people. Real people who really love. I haven’t been this blown wide open … Ever. I remembered my dog, Charlie, and how he died… I hadn’t remembered that since it happened. That incident was really close to my wish to not see, anymore. That memory got sucked into the void of my Denial Years. Now I remember him. His death was a real tragedy.
I felt the energy of the people here this weekend. It’s been really powerful. I got to see the unique way in which shamans think and live and dream. And I got to see how unique and powerful my own dreaming experience really is. My ability to see is really quite powerful. I feel surprise to realize this. I guess I never really thought about how much struggle and work other people go to to see energy. They really have to do quite a lot- years and years of dedicated disciplined practice. And many of them never will see. I never was able to consciously connect that seeing energy and dreaming is the same thing; Dreaming-awake.
There were quite a few people who expressed fear or apprehension of seeing energy. Spirits. Non-organic beings. Whatever. At first I didn’t get it.
Then I came back to my room and looked in the mirror and saw my eyes in the reflection were totally huge and alien. Nothing else. Just my eyes. I saw it without glasses or anything. It was extremely unsettling. I couldn’t get the effect to go away. I had to leave the room and go get my blue light glasses. Only then did I stand in front of the mirror to do my hair.
I still feel some apprehension. I get it, now. Seeing stuff that I can’t understanding takes a lot of equanimity. More than I currently possess. But I have an advantage now that I never did 17 years ago. I have a way to feel my feelings. I have a way of identifying what is me and not me.
Even though I can identify it, that shit is freaky.
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