and Humility.
Always in balance. Always dancing and throwing more shit for the other to catch! Lmao
On the front of work and giving and striving to “evolve”- I have realized I’m stalling and failing. Ouch, my pride. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be where I’m at. I can love the place I’m at. I love who I am, right now. Lovely, humility.
Likewise, as I move into this new acceptance of humility, I am reminded of my past, and things that I regret- or not so much regret but rather I feel as something that I want to address, right now. In the past, as I become aware of this feeling of wanting to address something, I would call up anyone related to that situation and apologize for whatever my side might have contributed to the situation. Yesterday, I felt this about the last interaction with my mother. So, I sent her a quick email. I did that after I had asked DH and a good friend about. I still felt moved to apologize.
And I remained in this expansive, humble, open mood. I noticed that I did not expect a response. I noticed that I wasn’t needing a response. I noticed too, that, even as my mother responded with her control patterns and withdrawal and higher-than-thou mood, I remained. I feel a certain pride in humility, if that even makes sense. I feel warm-hearted towards her even as she imperfectly displays her brokenness and ability to hurt me. I don’t feel a need to respond, nor any urgency to figure it out or to know how any of it affects anything. I see that urgency and that sort of desperate defense in mom, which is perhaps why it was brought to mind. ” I live a very joyous and filled life. I had to move on.” was one of her lines. This is what struck me as defensive and an assertive withdrawal control pattern.
I have noticed too, among my friends, a tendency towards family dynamics coming up right now. A friend is seeing her sister reunite after years of estrangement. Another friend is seeing her estranged family after half a decade of estrangement. It’s all very interesting. I’ve seen several family dynamics come up in similar context as well. Just observations.
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