I feel like I spent my entire young adult life running away from who I was, towards who I wanted to be- got there, realized that the person I wanted to be (a sort of cold, calculated, effective intellectual of moral ambiguity) required an environment that was completely non-conducive to who I really was- who I always thought I could run away from. A rather sensitive, rather sentimental boy, with a deep sense of innate responsibility for the people around me.
I think who I wanted to be was always just a cope for who I was. Is it the same for everyone?
I needed to be cold and dispassionate because I was too affected by things. I needed to be calculated because I was too impulsive with my cravings. It’s not hard to just Be what you wish you were, though it’s always front-loaded via Superego and drains energy. Being myself always replenished it, so it was a bit of a balancing act between the two.
By becoming what I wished I was, I cut myself off from the needs of who I actually was. By living in a cold, calculated world- distant from anyone who could harm me- I had no warmth to come home to; no warm heart to calm my existential despair. No one to take care of, no one to take care of me.
Who I wanted to be shouldn’t have cared.
…but what say have we REALLY in who we are?
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