When I say that my roommate is like a phantom to me, a spectre of the worst version of myself that haunts me, that demon has a name. Puer Aeternus - the eternal boy.
Maybe I had some clarity during my fast and didn’t even recognise it. I know what my north star is, and I’m painfully aware when I am drifting astray. I set up some barriers to protect myself from my phone. I’m finding ways around them. My south star is the fear of failure. I failed my two courses two years ago. That was traumatic. I didn’t know I had ADHD. I didn’t understand what I was experiencing. I am going back this January to finish what I started. I can feel that pressure closing in. The fear is guiding all of my actions currently. Fear is my southern star.
When something matters, I dissociate by taking on side quests. When pressure rises, I lose executive function. Then shame kicks in, and I chase resets instead of structure. I’m just chasing my own tail, as per usual.
I need to ground myself. Says the devil on my right. Surrender. Says the devil on my left. When that devil says to surrender, he means that I need to learn to go with the flow of life. I can’t control the water; I need to master myself so I can master the wave.
The Puer Aeternus stays in Neverland. The land of permanent potential. Nothing ever grows here. You don’t have to grow up here if you’re just always planning. I don’t actually build any structure.
I am experiencing some burnout, currently. I am putting myself through a lot. My nervous system is going through it. I am trying to unsubscribe from ADHD. Disease category complicates the picture; this is just a dopamine deficiency. Why would I have room for dopamine when my stress hormones are taking precedence? My holistic approach looks like a lot of side quests. Detox, somatic work, & osteopathy, oh my. I don’t feel ready for January, when I go back to class. This is a ready or not situation.
I’m rambling. I can’t even stick to one thought. I can’t stick to anything, which is really the issue. Today is going to be a long one; it’s 5 AM, and I’m already feeling the weight of it all. Maybe I will find a way to be kind to myself today.
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