All work and no play
I can name my patterns, my fears, my overwhelm, my ADHD dysregulation, my burnout, my dissociation under pressure, my avoidance loops, my spiritual coping mechanisms, and my nervous system stress, etc. I’m not blame-shifting or avoiding responsibility. I’m taking accountability. I’m mapping my inner battlefield. I’m used to my choices making other people insecure. People with small brain energy get mad at things they don’t understand. They lash out to feel better. Some people get inspired. I’m just trying to be the best version of me so that I can add value to others.
I’m just a man who is overwhelmed. I am navigating ADHD, learning to understand my neurodivergent brain in real time. I’m juggling pressure from school and work. Recovering from past setbacks. Working on healthier habits. Dealing with stress and burnout. I’m not some little gremlin actively trying to hurt other people.
I’m doing this without alcohol, drugs, binge eating, and sleeping with everything that I can, etc. My past is darker and heavier than what I am currently growing through. I promised myself I would not grow up to become a drunk or a tweaker, or a sex fiend like other kids who have a history like my own. I’m doing great to fulfill that promise. It was a tall order. Life would be easier and I would feel better if I just ate breads, and desserts, and got all fat and sassy. I’m still a human; I have my vices, which I just let go of.
I am high-functioning. I’m at my best when I am in service to others. I’m at a stage where I am learning to be more of a service to myself. It’s very Capricorn energy to put themselves first so they can be their best for those they care about. As for my Scorpio Moon/Mars/7H, haters are motivators.
This has been an intense battle, this shadow work. I have all my hobbies on the back burner. They cost money. I will find something for myself. It’s just not my highest priority right now. I want to connect again to Syncretism. I love teaching it to others. I have the itch to paint. Maybe I will make time for that this weekend.
I’m currently reading What Really Makes You Ill? Why Everything You Thought You Knew About Disease Is Wrong by David Parker and Dawn Lester. Just logic and reason are enough to tear through germ theory, but the medical zealots will continue to struggle to relate to reality even after they are presented with irrefutable data. Heaven forbid you challenge them to prove their own beliefs. I’m a medical heathen to them, as disease is the new sin. I haven’t accepted their healthcare as my lord and savior. They think feeling better means they are better, but we know the score; I bring this up enough.
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