If I can do it on my desktop, I deleted it from my phone. I added an extension to my browser to block adult sites. This detox is going to be hard. It’s the final boss.
10 years ago, I quit cigarettes. 9 years ago, I quit eggs, meat, and dairy. 8 months ago, I quit coffee. 14 days ago, I quit caffeine altogether. Pornography has been the bane of my existence. I have been treating my relapses as data, and not failure. When we feel down, the brain finds a way to feel up.* It’s not that deep.
During my five-day fast, I was bedridden. Solitary confinement always felt like a dream, and it was. It really was. It was a nightmare. My average screentime was 7.18 hours. When I saw that, I was deeply disturbed. I felt like I was possessed. I could not put my phone down. My brain wanted dopamine from anything. It’s not that deep.
Getting warm was a challenge during that fast. I was so frustrated and desperate for heat, I seriously considered going to the gay bathhouse that is five minutes away. It has a sauna and a steam room. That environment would have collapsed my fragile little nervous system, however.
I caved and ate solids last night. I went against the advice I was given. I suffered enough. I woke up this morning terrified that I was going to have brainfod. I suddenly remembered what that was like. I didn’t even notice that it was gone while it was gone. It was the heavy brain fog, crippling lethargy, and disgusting bulging gut that put me on this menacing dietary journey. The fast didn’t fix everything. I’m still in this. When I restricted my diet heavily 1.5 years ago, my body became very sensitive to the foods that were silently harming it. Wheat is the big one. Now I suspect that everything else won’t be so quiet after this fast. This is going to suck.
My passport came in the other day. It’s a trophy at this point. It was years in the making. It was in my ADHD blind spot. Now it’s right in front of me. There is a lot that I want to do. The real suffering that I need to endure is doing everything I don’t feel like doing. Raw dogging it. No perfectionism. Just start.
The drama and upsets at work stopped eating away at me. I knew this would pass. I’m still on thin ice. This move has been a gongshow. It was so poorly managed. Our home office was under renovation for two years. It’s still under construction, but we have to move in. Our permits and insurance have not come in yet. Someone dropped the ball. We moved all of our stuff there, but we can’t work out of the office yet. Everyone from my building is supposed to move there, but we are working in the hallways outside of our old offices. We are cancelling programs now because we have nowhere to host them. It’s so menacing.
It’s been over a week since I went to the gym. I really want to go right now, but I know that it will be a mistake. I can save it for tomorrow. I will fuel up accordingly today. I lost 8lbs over the fast. My body wasn’t starving; it was eating its reserves. I lost 8lbs of inflammation and water weight and other things.
Anyway, I need to move on with my day.
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