It’s difficult to describe just how perfect life has become.
My friends are simply amazing. I have never felt more love and warmth in connection with my friends and family as I do, right now. I feel that I am basking in the Eternal love of spiritual light, and it’s subtlety and character is only flavored by each individual’s unique personality and mode of showing up in the world.
It’s no coincidence, I wager, that I am currently working on really showing up. Allowing myself to be seen, to be a true blessing, to gift those around me with the value of my presence, hasn’t been particularly easy. It’s been some work. I’ve worked through so many Squares. Many more to come, I am sure. Some of them are revealing of my own Shadow in plenty embarrassing and unpleasant ways. Of course, there are many things I regret. One thing I don’t regret is Accepting that I have profound regrets.
I have been able to experience directly the results of changing my inner world, on outer reality. In more strict sense, there is no inner vs outer. But the illusion is that there is. The illusion of this physical material plane is that things are separate from one another; that I can have an internal experience totally objectively different than the outer reality. But it’s just an illusion. And it’s my life mission to explore how this illusion is in fact a challenge that humanity is destined to overcome.
I feel so deeply connected to my parents and my upbringing - in a way that I hadn’t thought was possible. My anger and victim story was that my parents wanted nothing more than to scoop out my perception and install their own. That was my experience for a variety of reasons. More importantly, my parents have a disposition of being identified with the Mind, or as it’s colloquially understand in the West, with ego.
As I’ve come into my own purpose as it were, the awareness of the perfect harmony between the polarities, I know that my childhood and my experience with my parents was no mistake or coincidence. They identified so exclusively with ego that I was pushed down and down and down into the deepest subconscious. That is where I live and am at home, like it or not. I see into the depths, with only Pluto above the surface. That Pluto in Scorpio, no less; a potent, visceral sight that by seeing brings up all of the denied reality my parents could not acknowledge. Not even it’s existence.
And that is awfully terrifying. Yet even this terror is undeniable evidence of the fallacy of the exclusive ego! So it, too, is plunged down into the depths… With me.
I am learning to play the hand I was dealt. And, what a hand! I feel so much excitement. I feel hope and optimism. I even feel love and a willingness to reconcile, if not total openness to changed behavior. I don’t know what balance looks like yet, outwardly, between my parents and I. I cannot deny the obvious that it is in ostracism that I have healed and become Whole. And still I wonder; what good is healing and wholeness if it cannot heal the first rupture?
I have fought and retreated for so long into the deep. The deep is where they cannot go at all; that place that they deny the existence of. And it’s where I became strong and familiar. I live here. Now, I bring it to the surface to be seen. And, I know that this is the way to balance; to bring all that has been in the deep, up into the surface and allow those who dwell there to see it- without fear that it will annihilate them. That, yes, the deep is here and always has been. It doesn’t deny the surface to admit to it’s presence. It only creates more contrast.
But it is this balance, I know, which I must master or at least become proficient in presenting. I must know it’s reality and efficacy in my bones so that my body is at one with my soul expression. There must be no snags at all in me for the aggression and defensiveness of the ego. Trust in the unseen, the unfelt, the impossible and unknown is what I have to show, to embody. A trust without skepticism. For, who is skeptical of their liver? Or spleen? The question is silly, but it is nevertheless relevant for my parents and for the world, right now. We have a generation at odds fundamentally with their parents. It isn’t just materially. It is material, because everything will manifest materially, but it’s origin is spiritual.
The Boomers had everything material handed to them, but they denied the immaterial to an even higher degree. They denied faith(rampant atheism), family(divorce became normal), the sacred duty of parenting (divorce, daycare, single parent households), fiscal responsibility (debt saddles on future generations), and a host of other immaterial values for material gain. So their great challenge was to balance this. My generation is one of depth; having that Pluto in Scorpio. We have immaterial value, and we fail as soon as we fight to defend our honor against the Boomer materialist values. Our great challenge is to not disparage material value but instead to balance it with the immaterial. It’s classic Lucifer vs Mephistopheles. Both sides of an extreme; each needing to find balance with the other. The razor edge of salvation; the cross on which reality is crucified and true spiritual life is resurrected; the middle way.
My great hurdle is balancing my desire to control. I want to make them see and to face their choice! It is unacceptable to me that the boomers and my parents remain in denial of their choices or that they should continue to deny us the satisfaction of their knowledge of having made their mistakes! Hahaha. It’s so funny 🤣 one can’t help but laugh and see the foolishness of wanting such a thing; being in denial of the very thing that I want my parents to acknowledge.
The irony. The universe certainly has a sense of humor
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