And other lessons
Such a long time has gone by since I took a no-holds-back dive into obsessive avoidance patterns.
Whew! Was that a ride.
I woke to meditate and gain increasing clarity the last 2 days. Is it any coincidence, I wonder, that the sky has been clearing the last 2 days? It went from completely hazy to-alright I can see the sun so it does exist - to this blazing insane clarity that my camera cannot even get without complete washout.
All the of the pics are me in direct sunlight. Today I am having a hellova time even keeping my eyes open in the sunlight. And I’ve been outside for awhile. One might think I could adjust.
Peace and bliss are mine again. But, it wasn’t without a LONG, DARK, trudge through the littered alleyways of my mind.
Who was it standing there, but me. Choosing to despair in my need and longing to please my mom who’s fickle affections required me to violently attack my own experience.
In my resistance to feel and experience and accept my experience, a great need to control is borne. A need to control the outcome, the perception, my expression- to pretend that I really really believed the lies. And my own insecurity in not knowing - in having deep fundamental questions about where and who I was. Did I make a mistake in coming here? Am I making a mistake, now? The rush of tensio, fear, uncertainty, and a need to control the narrative accompanies this story.
And then I just… Remembered to feel what it was like to not know if I did make a mistake in coming here. I remembered to feel what it is like to be tense, uncertain, and miserable. I remembered that I can accept the experience. And in an almost backwards - ironic - impossible - miraculous way, I feel serene. I feel my own presence. I feel love for this experience.
I feel gratitude for this experience. Even a signpost that says “Not this way” vs “Home this way”, is helpful.
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