I felt distress.. isolation… abandonment.
I felt frustrated and irritated that my problem seemed to be dismissed and those who were supposed to help were wishing I’d just go away and die already.
I felt this too, even recently about the neighborhood and their apparent hatred of our dog.
I am aware of it. I am aware of the illogical, unreasonable nature of these feelings. And yet, they persist. I tried a bit of some new mushroom coffee. I took one sip. More like I inhaled a drop, so as not to scald myself on the piping hot brew.
I felt my body react immediately. Energy flew around me, that melancholic isolation gone. I surged with the energy - joy blossomed within my heart. And I said “wow! My body really likes this!”
I had one cup and the mushroom coffee sustained me all day, and seemingly all night. I slept well and had vivid dreams. I was visited by lovely friends. Even, as the day wore on, I expressed my problem much more eloquently- or perhaps just vulnerably, without blame and without a sense of being punished or ostracized. It was all because I had more energy.
I had let my energy hygiene go too much. Wednesday had been a lovely, active day, but it was too much. It was too much being out in unfamiliar places and strangers and hosting and educating children. It was too much to think of how discipline should be provided in group settings, how to guide unwanted or harmful behaviors, etc etc. and the consequence was simply that my energy suffered. I reverted to a default of negative experiences. Even though there is no reasonable explanation for me to feel such. I do. It’s just that simple.
And so I need to manage my energy better. I need to become impeccable.
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