I started this a bit on Thursday because I knew how it needed to start but… finished filling out the list later on Friday than usual. Entering into a weekend with this new outlook is important and planning it is more so. Too often Weekends are “loosely planned with hopes and maybes; then the weekend is over and nothing has been accomplished.” So… while building Friday, my mind kept turning to Saturday and Sunday as well. Those lists aren’t done and won’t be part of THIS particular entry but.... hard to shake from mind while preparing.
(1) Drive straight to HyVee Redemption and unload that plastic!
(2) Grocery Shopping, follow your grocery list!
(3) Drive Home and give Nala her Good Girl Treat, if deserving.
(4) Bring Trash Bin back inside
(5) Change Clothes
(6) Small Walk for Nala, weather permitting
(7) Dog Park for Nala, weather permitting
(8) Eat oldest Diet Meal Dinner and Apple
(9) Make Protest Signs
(10) Continue sorting redemption and place in Car
(11) Video Games and Chill
Well....
my day happened and kind of derailed me a bit. Emotionally at least. Which is good. It is important to see how accountable I can be when things go poorly.
The depositions for today were a disaster followed by heavy emotional labor.
My work day ended with me being alerted that I will be INVESTIGATED BY THE STATE due to an asshole Georgian Sovereign Citizen filing a complaint instead of a motion. BUT because we live in Trump’s America and Kim Reynold’s Iowa… we’re no longer using courts and the law when we can instead use a jackbooted government organization against someone we find politically distasteful. SO.... since the depositions happened over my lunch hour… meaning I hadn’t eaten all day and then my day ended with an epic metaphorical punch to my heart, ethics, and career… feeling motivated to do what I had set out to do was… difficult. BUT… I started nonetheless.
(1) I processed 76 bottles at Hy Vee, 54 were accepted. So, all told this week, I’ve processed 162 items, only 124 accepted, leaving me with 38 processed but not accepted. Now to get through the rest of the garage!
(2) I then went into the store. It has been a LONG time since I bought anything other than apples, bananas, lean cuisine, and alcohol!!! A long time! Now, originally, I was going to significantly reduce the amount of alcohol I bought. Partly for the Cleanliness element, partly for my health, and partly just for motivation. But after today? Well… I may have purchased a little less, but not by much. But still? I bought a lot of vegetables and various varieties of things to make into dinners so… not just apples, bananas, lean cuisine, and alcohol. And CHRIST ON FIRE the grocery bill was over $200!! I mean… I knew that Grocery Prices didn’t go down… despite a report today that interviewed a shit ton of Midwest 20 somethings who all said they voted for Trump “because of what he said about the economy!” (fucking morons) but shit. That’s… that’s insane.
(3) I drove home, gave Nala her Good Girl Treat
(4) Brought the trash bin back to the house; and
unloaded the car of groceries. Something I should have remembered to add to the list but did not. While doing this, I went ahead and (9) made the protest sign… it’s my first in ages and it isn’t great but at least its something.
(5) I then got changed and
(6) Despite it being after 6 and looking dark out, gave Nala a walk. It did open up on us and rain a little on the walk but not so bad as to make the experience a nightmare.
(7) Then I took Nala to the Dog park and we stayed out there until past 8 p.m.
(8?) I was feeling.... very not good emotionally and mentally… and decided I was not going to eat the Lean Cuisine and Apples meal. I was going to eat something more and maybe get shit faced because… fucking damnit! But… even when feeling this way, I can get in my own way. I decided to get dinner at Tropical Smoothie instead. And instead of downing an entire bottle of Black Cherry Margaritas or a trough of Old Fashioneds.... I ordered an extra smoothie. A vitamin infused strawberry smoothie, in addition to my collagen infused banana peanut butter smoothie. So there’s my.... I feel like shit inside but I am still making a moderately healthy choice.
(10) As for my number ten… originally, I was going to mow the yard on Saturday. But when I got home, the electric company had flagged my yard all over and called to say that they would likely be doing some work within the next three days. So, I didn’t want to de-flag then re-flag the whole yard; and if I mow with the flags still in, I would destroy them and that wouldn’t be good either. So, I had originally decided to substitute that with
(10 Doing another Redemption run tomorrow morning. And to prepare for that- going through more of the garage’s shit tonight. Well, I’ll be honest… my mood? I thought fuck that. IF I do something tomorrow morning, maybe I can work on processing that shit tomorrow morning then take it to the store before the protest. I don’t have to process it tonight. I’m… kind of over processing shit in general right now.
I mean… I know my life has lots and lots of examples of “It doesn’t matter how hard you work, you won’t succeed”… I just.... nobody knows better than you guys how much I do not want to completely re-start my entire life. I don’t want to do that. I want to hold on to the good things of now while improving or changing the not so good things. And it may be poignant that my mind drifts to Tony Stark there. Because that was Tony’s perspective in Endgame. He was unwilling to simply “reset time” to five years prior. Because he wanted to keep everything that he’d built in those five years. So instead of “resetting time” he launched a convoluted plan that jeopardized the multiverse, created some BIG issues for those getting blipped back into existence 5 years later, and ultimately cost him his life. All because he wanted to hold on to what he’d built while improving or changing the not so good things. I’m… not Tony Stark. I’m not even the Assistant to the Intern to the Robot that shines Hawkeye’s arrows. But… I don’t want to start everything over. It was hard enough starting over with the whole… no Nancy, no home we bought together, no romantic or sexual life. I’m already trying hard (and failing often) at rebuilding parts of my life. I don’t presently have what it takes to rebuild as though from scratch in every part of my life. I don’t want that to happen and I don’t want that to be required.
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