My realization yesterday flows into today
That when I was small, I became angry. I became angry because I perceived others taking great pleasure in my torment. It was my decision to shut out awareness of my torment in order to prevent others from feeding off it.
I hadn’t questioned the basic choice. I had been aware of it, only, and in agreement. Not in acceptance, but in agreement.
Because I wanted to prevent others from feeding on my torment, I stopped feeling my torment. I became very good at selective focus. I was very good, so good, that my conscious mind was unaware of why or what it was I was doing. It is all done at the level of perception. Before the stimulus reaches my thinking mind, it is already dismissed; relegated to planes of experience which I cannot perceive. No different than being color blind, really.
So unconscious were these binding contracts that they could only be accessed through the same way which they were made. Through feeling, and in the right-brain consciousness of the feminine. I asked, as I became aware of these binding contracts I myself had made, what would it be to be open to all of the feeling?
And it was like a joyous reverie opened in my heart. So light, lifting, freeing is the feeling of openness without constraint. No arbitrary boundary to limit the depth or the breadth or the quality of feeling.
I smile in rememberance of the events in which these decisions were made. I re-make them in the same way I made them; as the event unfolds, I choose instead to open to the feelings. The chains of withdrawal disappear as if they never were at all. My joy is boundless. Moreso, knowing that I was in fact always the one in control of my misery and torment. I was always the one creating it. And, because it is all me, I undo and recreate now.
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