Vinidictiveness and spite are old friends of mine
Anger is where I am in my grieving process. Denial, sadness, and bargaining, I’ve already burned through. We’ll see how I channel this one. Grieving only ends one way: acceptance. Healing only ends one way: forgiveness.
It’s all I can think about it and it’s very frustrating. They’re just thoughts. They’re just thoughts. They’re just thoughts. I am trying to convince myself. Thoughts are just another bodily noise, like a heartbeat. I built my program from the ground up, and now they’re going to give it to someone else. I’m so mad at Virginia for the betrayal, but everything is predestined. This is how it was supposed to end.
Can’t I just gaslight myself with toxic positivity like a normal person? Eagles flew over me. Our knowledge keeper, there is an opportunity here. That physician, I was scraping the buffalo hide with, when I told her that I was aiming for naturopathy, we turned out to have the same dream of using the knowledge of our medicines to help heal our communities. My big dream is a wellness centre. Not to be the coordinator of my program. I met a young trans woman who’s in school, and she started her own NPO, and with that up and running, she is able to go to school full-time. I’ve been tossing around the idea of starting my own for a while now.
Today, I am disrupting my usual programming so I can try to force myself to focus on myself. I’m not centred. I have been hiding from my shit. I didn’t want this job to become my identity. I promised myself that after I lost the one I hated, whom I gave 13 years to, that I wouldn’t let my work become my whole life. Here I am, unable to unplug it from my brain. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
The problem with people who are nihilistic is that they are right. In a hundred years, we are all going to be dead, and nobody is going to remember us. So fuck it!
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