Sept 14 in Torridaussity Two

Life has been a roller coaster since my almost dying in 2021/2022. I don’t even know how it is already mid September of 2025. For my long time readers here and in the days of open diary you know I used to write more frequently and noted and read others regularly. It occurred to me the other day that I almost forgot this place existed which is crazy to me because this was my space to say what I couldn’t say to anyone else and feel all my feelings my escape from my masked life to a world I didn’t have to wear a mask for. It’s crazy to say and admit out loud that I don’t think anyone knows the real me. The me that I only let me see and perhaps even I may not know who I am anymore. Covid took a lot from me I still deal with it’s aftermath financially, physically, and mentally. Over the last few years I’ve often asked myself why did I survive just to have to deal with so much shit. When I’m really struggling the deepest darkest part of me says I’d have been better off dead. Perhaps that’s why I avoid coming here because I don’t want to face those thoughts. Perhaps it’s because I’m just too tired to focus and read. I don’t know why something I used to love to do doesn’t anymore. I miss reading and hearing about your lives and I feel guilty I’ve fallen so far behind. I’m trying to do better. I’ve had a rough year of near constant upper respiratory infections and a flare up of an old back injury that has caused my horrific pain which thankfully is now better, but left me with a numb left leg from the knee down. I may have to have back surgery before the year is over. My parents are aging quicker and quicker. My brother’s life is messy right now. D and I are still together yet still apart. The only constant in my life is inconsistency. I will keep fighting the deep dark voice inside my head and I will push through each day, but I think I will stop denying my struggles. It’s ok to not be okay.