I waited all summer for today. I’m back to my regular shifts at work, which gives me a lot of space from my roommate. Today, I am finally completely free of her. I was in ADHD wait mode, counting down to it, all summer long. I don’t have to mask. I can breathe.
I’m struggling to orient myself at home a bit. I’ll get there. I’m trying to get my mind out of holiday mode, also. I gotta lock it in and focus on my goals. Of course, I don’t have the dopamine to get things started. Nor the pressure to use adrenaline. The tank is empty. I’m chemically retarded. I can feel the stings in my body whenever I think of things that I have to do. This is new; I used to be numb to the pain. Maybe I can accept this as a challenge and just go into ADHD god mode.
I was up late last night. That is throwing me off a bit. Maybe it’s the cute two-hour jet lag. Or maybe it’s me content bingeing on my phone to make up for the 8 days of no service. I also binged the whole season of Murderbot. I watched it in my room in my bed, which I rarely do. I even ate in bed. Like, who am I? I just wanted to be a chill guy for a day. Surrendered to everything so my ADHD can get its fix.
While on the plane, whenever there was a bit of turbulence, I had to remind myself that I survived the last few bumps just minutes ago. Maybe I can apply that energy to my ADHD. My nervous system is still shot, after all. There is no room for dopamine because my body is flooded with stress hormones. I don’t think someone like me can do therapy; I think somatic work is the solution here. The body keeps the score. The trauma is in the tissues.
I created problems for my coordinator before I left for my holiday. He was on his holiday the week before mine, so I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks. Tomorrow I will have to face the music. He was gone, so I had to rely on our part-time mentor, who is deeply unreliable. He is dating his boss’s sister, and my coordinator moves mountains for him so he doesn’t have to face any consequences. I flagged that for my boss’s boss. Their relationship changes the dynamic. I am going to get him to double-check his timesheets. Guaranteed he paid himself for the time he was late. This is what I witness all the time, and I refuse to tolerate it anymore. It hurts the program and the kids. Then I flagged my boss’s unlimited supply of banked time. The math ain’t mathin’. His boss told me that I won’t be in my position for much longer. He is implying that I will be the coordinator of this program soon. Well, shit. He promised me that he isn’t going to fire my coordinator. Everyone knows how close we are. He is like a brother to me.
Anyway, we shall see what I can muster today on an empty tank.
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